Thoughts From an Abandoned Heart

So Much It Hurts

I don't trust. It's not because I'm irreparably damaged. It's definitely not because I'm broken. It's probably because I know how irredeemably fucked up people can be. Someone can say "I love you" one day and shatter your heart into trillions of splinters the next. That's why it's easier to not give yourself away, at least not fully. Parts? Sure. But all of yourself? Never. Quench the eternal flame that is want. The want to belong. The want to love. The want to feel loved.

Can anyone tell me what the point is. What's the point of getting attached? Bonds that will "last a lifetime"? Why give someone that type of power? The power to leave you and take you're whole soul with them, leaving you broken and empty. It's the type of power dictators yearn for, the ability to reduce a heart to powder and dust. To strip a person of everything that makes them, them. It's the type of power no one should have.

Only let people see one part of you. It is so much simpler that way. To lose one person means to lose one part of yourself. A hole that's easy to fill. I always stuck to that rule. Stuck to it because my heart depended on it, but it's was easy to forget that it keeps me safe. It was easy to forget pain in place of love. To want someone who's there for me, and want it enough to gamble with my heart. Someone, anyone, I could bear my heart to; who would accept me and all my cracks, and help fill them in. So, I picked someone, carefully, and stuck to the rules, for a while. But I thought this time was different. I gauged the situation, making sure he could take the impact of what I had to say. Making sure he would stay. After two years the jury reached a decision. He was golden, and this would be it. After eight years I had gotten it right. I could trust him. So that was it. I told him the first bit, and then the rest. Everything came tumbling out like a storm and like a storm, it left a mess. Well technically, it left me a mess. He left me a mess. In part because he left, but mostly because he took me with him. And not part of me, all of me. Mind, soul, and body.

Days were spent deliberating over what to do. Should I beg him to stay? Should I give up what I was feeling to please him? All my anger, pain, hurt. I was ready. Ready to take the whole blame. Ready to do anything to keep the boy who had my heart in his hands. Ready to forgive the boy who had taken a baseball bat to my fragile heart. He was the first one I had loved. Not romantically, not physically. I loved him. I love him. Love that he cared and that I could trust him, until I couldn't. My pain, it is a feeling, consuming me like a fire. And that's thing about fires, eventually they burn everything to the ground. No matter how much he tries to turn it on me, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I cry about losing the best friend I had ever had, there is one truth that stands tall. I would do anything, anything, to get him back, and that is the problem. I have given so much of myself away, that I have lost myself in the process. Maybe I have never been in love, but I know what heart break feels like. The worst part isn't how much I miss him, how much it hurts, how I can physically feel him missing, but how much I wish he didn't see me like he did: selfish, needy, broken. But that's just it, you can't decide how someone sees you, just hope they don't hate what they see. Sometimes they do. You just have to hope for the best.

So this is an ode to you. The first boy to steal my heart, and the only guy that will ever crush it. Thank you for making me want to be stronger, for making me fight. Thank you for destroying my heart and making me rebuild it myself. Goodbye, and thank you for what we had.

You took a bat to me heart, so this is to you. I hate you, I hate you so much it's all consuming. I hate you, because I can't help but love you. I love you so much my heart hurts, and now it's bleeding, but everything that's broken heals. I don't know if you've heard, but the human body is quite resilient.

And as I sit here, alone in my room, listening to Christina Perri's "Human" I realize it's not my job to save everything. Save us. Save myself. I can ask for help and doing so doesn't make me selfish, or bad, it makes me human. It shows I feel pain, and utterly alone sometimes. So, boy with a bat, maybe this gets to you, maybe you read it, maybe you finally understand, or maybe you see what you want and add it to the evidence you have compiled against me. Either way, it's here, out in the world. For everyone to read. For me. For me to always remember that though I love you more than words can explain, more than my own life, you made me a villain for being human. For wanting love, a true connection, trust. For asking for things I should've never have to ask for. I may have wanted to be your person, but I know I never was. I never expected it. I can't help but wonder, why you believed I thought I was your priority. On the contrary, I have come to understand that I am little more to you than an inconvenience. Someone you had to watch, to make sure I wouldn't go off the rails. Perhaps I only talked to you about myself, us. But what else should I have brought up? I barely know you, you've never let me in. Conversation is hard, especially with you, and me, well that's a topic I'm well versed in. So yes I talked about me, because that meant I was talking to you. I would've gladly talked about drying paint, but your plans were too full for me.

But not this. This is me. This is mine. My thoughts. My tears. My words I dare not speak aloud. This is me in my entirety. So quote me, hold me to my words. Let the world know, you shattered me, and I may never recover fully. I will never be that same person who isn't truly careful with her heart but begs for love from people who only offer empty words. I will never be her again. Never be reduced to tears by someone who has never given her a second thought. Never again. I will be strong, and this time nothing will break down my walls, not even a baseball bat.