This Is Us || Niall Horan fanfic

Chapter 27: Blaming Myself

(i'm gonna speed things again)

(sorry for any mistakes)

~~Date in the story: November 29, 2013~~

Samantha's P.O.V

I woke up by Skippy's barking. I opened my eyes slowly and looked at the ceiling for awhile. I looked at the clock and saw it was 10:22 in the morning. Oh My Gosh! I forgot! I wanted to watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. Let me just ask my besties if they could watch with me. I stood up from the bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face. 

I went downstairs with Skippy following behind. I gave Skippy some dog food. I prepared my food and tea. I sat down on the chair and ate my breakfast. After eating breakfast, I washed my plate. While I was washing my plate, I still remember when Niall was here and whenever I wash the dishes, he holds my waist. :( I miss that and of course I miss him very much.

After eating, I rested on the couch. Before I went to the couch, I got a bottle of water. I sat down on the couch and watched E! News. "Samantha Williams was seen walking at night with 5 Seconds Of Summer drummer, Ashton Irwin" Jason Kennedy said. I nearly spit out my water! I knew it was going to be on the news! Paparazzi is really 24/7. I hate it! It's spreading everywhere!

I quickly turned off the TV. I ran my hands through my hair. My head is already feeling hot. "What do I do now?" I asked myself. I'm getting really depressed right now. I just don't know what to do. I cried on the couch while thinking of what will happen next. I just need a person to make me feel happy again. And that person is Niall. But I don't know if he still loves me. 

I ran upstairs to my room and went inside the bathroom and locked it. I was really teary. I looked at the mirror and looked at myself. "This is really all of my fault. If I didn't just broke up with Niall, none of this will happen. I should be the one to be blamed for everything. Not Niall or Ashton or anybody. Just me. They should blame ME. I did all of this" I said to myself still looking at the mirror. I have so many problems. I started crying and sobbing on the floor. I curled up in a ball and just kept crying. I keep blaming myself for everything. I feel so weak and small. I'm still learning to love and my first love was Niall. He was the first one to own my heart. But now my heart is broken into a billion pieces and can't be fixed. 

I stood up slowly, looked at myself in the mirror again then looked at the razor. I don't want to cut but I need to do it because I made all of this mess. I took the razor and once again cut my skin. But this time, the cut is a little bigger. This time, I cut my forearm. I looked at the cut and closed my eyes and a tear fell. I took the razor off of my hand and placed it back. I unlocked my door and went to the window. I sat down on a chair while looking at the window. I start to think about things. 

No one knows that I cut, no one knows that I feel so depressed, no one knows that I blame myself for all of this mess, no one knows that I always cry everyday and everynight. No one knows everything except ME. 

Several tears fell from my eyes while I slowly close them. I just didn't realized that I'm already sleeping. 

I woke up and saw that the sky is already dark. I looked at the clock and it was 5:30pm. I forgot to eat lunch. I'll just eat snacks. I start to think should I starve myself? Everything about self harming is all in my mind. I just can't do it anymore. 

I stood up from the bed and walked downstairs. I went to the kitchen and ate only a sandwhich. After eating, I went upstairs again and took a shower. Then after showering, I wore shorts and a cozy knitted sweater. I breathed in the scent of the sweater and the smell is familiar. I remember that this sweater was once Niall's sweater. He gave me this when I was feeling cold. Awwww.