LOVESICK

LOVE MACHINE / FASTLOVE

Daniel-

After we go to Andersons house, where he grabbed a jacket and his book, we go to my house, and throughout the whole walk there I've been smiling and laughing with Anderson, I've been terrified, scared of what I'll tell my parents when they see him. I won't tell them he's my friend. I will tell them he's my... no, he's not my boyfriend... I'll tell them we're seeing each other. My heart beats faster as we stop in front of my house. I walk up the cement stairs and I unlock the door with my key. As I open the door, I see my mom in the small kitchen, chopping vegetables and my dad sitting on the couch watching TV. They both turn to stare at me and are shocked when they see Anderson, as if they've seen a ghost. "Hey," I tell them. "I'm just here to get my book." I say as I walk in, past the living room where my dad is watching television, but his eyes are more focused on Anderson and I than they are on the television. "Who's this, sweetheart?" My mom says, pretending to sound polite. I feel myself begin to shake in fear. "This is," just like I said I would. "A boy I've been seeing, his name is Anderson."
Anderson offers his hand to my mom, she acts like she doesn't see it.
"Seeing?" My mom asks, confused.
"Yes as in we're both in-" my mom cuts me off.
"No no no," She laughs. "See, you're both confused, and it's okay, you'll get through this- this... disease, but you need to be able to fight it!" I feel myself burning up. I can't stand them doing this. "You two should go and look at girls instead of at each other, you'll see how good that makes you feel." My dad says, sounding old and drunk. Which is exactly what he is. I want to yell at them and tell them how wrong they are, but I can't; if I do that, I won't have a place to live. They'll kick me out, or they'll do something worse. A part of me is thinking let them have it! This isn't right! Just scream at them and prove them wrong! Let them kick you out! You can move in with Leslie, Anderson, or Riley!
And there's so much wrong with thinking like that. The other part of me is thinking
ignore what they say, just don't bring what they believe to be wrong home, live two separate lives for a few more months until you get to college, and with all the money you saved up, you buy yourself a place to live and you can be free then. And there's so much wrong with that too. Why on earth should I be living two lives just to make homophobic people happy? They should be exposed to this kind of love, this normal love and they should comprehend that it's not wrong. It's love! We only get one life, we shouldn't waste it being someone we're not. We shouldn't waste it keeping other people down just because we don't agree with them, we should be trying to enjoy every last bit of our own lives not caring about others, just supporting them.
I sigh. "When I get home," I say. "After spending all day with this guy I'm truly in love with... we're going to have a serious talk," Both my parents open their mouths to interrupt, but I don't let them, not anymore. "And you two are going to listen to what I say." They both stay quiet, confused and terrified as I walk into my room and grab my book from my nightstand and make my way out the door, holding Andersons hand. My parents' eyes are on me and Anderson the whole way through.
"You don't have to go back there," Anderson says as we walk down the street. "You can come live with me at my house." As much as I'd love to live with him, to wake up and have breakfast with him, to see him every morning and smile, to have deep conversations every day, and walk to school together, I refuse the offer. Maybe in the future when or if we live together we'll get that, but for now, I'm staying with my parents. "Thank you Anderson but... it's too much. I feel guilty by how much you've done for me in just two days and all I've done for you was help you move a few boxes and gave you a box of chocolates. I want to be able to give more than I receive. I want to be stronger and braver and in order to do that, I'll need to face tough things on my own to get there." He stays silent for a while, then he wraps his arms around me and smiles. "Well, if that's what you want, then go for it. But just remember: to me you are perfect just the way you are and whatever way you choose to be. And you can still sleep over at my place whenever you'd like," -He kisses the top of my head- "I love cooking for you, even if it's just frozen food." I laugh at that.
We finally get to the park, and I feel really happy, just walking down the trail, looking for a spot to sit down and read. We settle on a spot under a large tree, the whole grass here in the park is a very vibrant green, it almost looks fake, but as soon as I lie on it, it feels very real, just like this whole thing; me and Anderson really like each other... he really likes me! And he's everything I hoped he would be. He's really nice, he treats people with respect, he likes my friends, he likes to read, and he cares about me just as much as I care for him. I stare at him as we sit on the grass, and he smiles. "What?" He asks.
"I'm just very happy that I may have found someone who loves me just as much as I love them." Anderson chuckles. I want to kiss him, very much, but I want to take things slow, I don't want to get all over him so quickly... but I do, more than anything. The thought of not kissing him drives me wild. And I think he feels it too because he's staring at me and inching close to me but pulling back at the same time. I snap out of it and I look down at my book, excited to maybe finally finish it. "Enjoy your book." I tell Anderson as we begin going through the separate journeys written in these pages.

We read until it's dark outside and we even saw Leslie and Chad at the park as well, they were going for a run. I smiled at Leslie when I realised that's what they were doing because I know that's what Leslie said would make her valentine's date a good one, and because I know how dedicated she is to working out and becoming healthier, once in a while even dragging me to join her, but maybe not anymore now that she has Chad who's probably more experienced in healthy stuff.
We invited Leslie and Chad to have dinner with us now that the sun is down, so the four of us go, and as soon as we get to the door of the cafe, walking into the same place is Riley and Anthony, so the six of us end up having dinner together. I look around the table and I realise how happy the six of us seem. Leslie who I don't know for how long had a crush on Chad and is now talking to him after seeing her cry a few times because she thought nobody would love her. It makes me happy seeing someone making her life good and make her feel more comfortable in her own skin. Seeing Riley finally seeing someone who seems to be treating her nicely even if it's just a friend is so comforting now since she's no longer with Josh who would continuously verbally abuse her and gaslight her and she would always tell Leslie and I about everything but she could never leave him because his apologies always had her going back to him. But now, with Anthony, she seems to be getting over Josh and that's a good thing. Hopefully he doesn't hurt her, or else. And then there's me; there's not much to say other than that before Anderson, I thought I was losing myself, I would disappear for long periods of time and either spend my time talking to those closest to me such as Leslie and Riley and spending my time with them only, or I would disappear and leave everything behind and go to a whole different town for weeks or only a day and spend it trying to figure out what to change about myself so that someone would love me, so that that awful jerk Jordan would love me. But I only ended up losing myself more... I didn't know who I was. But now, Anderson is slowly showing me that I don't need to change for anyone, I can be loved for being who I am. I shouldn't change for anyone, and that's what I've been missing: I've even been too blind to realise that all Leslie and Riley do is be themselves and people love them for it, and I see it now. I lean on Andersons shoulder and he leans on mine as we wait for out food to get here.

After dinner, Leslie and Riley leave to the movies, and Anderson and I walk back to the park and lay down on the grass where there's no trees around so we can have a clear view of the stars. Tonight, I swear they're bigger and brighter than ever before. Anderson places his phone in between the two of us and he puts his music on shuffle as we listen to it and point out constellations. After a while, my mind starts to reflect on what's happened up to this point, and I remember that I believed that I wouldn't fall in love so fast, and that was something I lied to myself about. Here I am, in love after having gotten over someone who never loved me back. Bit then again, I guess I never lived him, I just thought I did. Because I never got the same emotions with him as I do with Anderson. I feel his hand touch mine, and I intertwine out fingers. They fit together like a puzzle, and I completely forget what I was thinking about. I look over at Anderson and I can see the reflection of the stars in his eyes. And I think that's self-explanatory, or at least in a deep symbolic level: there's a whole galaxy inside him I have yet to explore it, and I intend to explore it. I intend for both of our world's to collide. He looks over to me, and he smiles. "What?" He asks.
"Nothing, I just got lost in your eyes." He smiles and in a low, raspy voice he says. "I get lost in yours too." I guess it's fine that I didn't keep my promise to myself, and that I instead followed my heart and mind, and decided to fall in love. Maybe it was faith or something.
I look up at the sky and all I can smell is Anderson; I smell him in his clothes, I feel him lying next to me, I hear his breathing next to me, I see him next to me. Himhimhimhim. This is what I felt like I needed. Since the first day I ever saw him, this is what I felt I needed: him. I look over at Anderson again and I begin to tell him about myself, filling in the galaxy in his eyes with stories of myself to get us to know each other better, and when I'm done, we cry, and then he tells me about himself, about the people he loved, about the struggles he faced, and the plans he has, all under these bright stars, listening in on our conversations.
I think after a while I fell asleep because I dream about waking up in the park all alone, everyone is gone, and so is Anderson. It's an awful dream, I don't want that to ever happen.