LOVESICK

D I S A R R A Y (ALTERNATIVE ENDING)

February 13

Anderson-

I can't today, I don't want to, not anymore. I've completely lost myself, I don't know who I am. I don't want to see anyone. I tell my mom to call the school and tell them I'm sick, and she obliges. When both my parents have gone to work, I get up and I walk out of the door, I leave everything behind. Who knows if I'll be back. Everything is wrong, my parents refuse to accept me, I accused Anderson of saying bad things about me when he wasn't doing it at all. I've become a mess, the only people who continue to be with me are Leslie and Riley but all I did with them was annoy them with how I liked Anderson, so they've probably gotten tired of me. I walk away, to the train station. Where am I going? I don't know, but I hope I stay there.

Anderson (21:00)-

None of us see Daniel walk out of the train. All of the train passengers are out and the train is starting to drive away. Leslie is just a confused as I am. "I don't know what's happened to him." She says looking around, checking to make sure he just didn't see us and kept walking. But there's no one. Daniel is nowhere to be found. "Maybe he spent the night over there or he's coming back later, he sometimes goes away for weeks."
"During the school time?" I ask.
"No, it's always during summer," She looks uncomfortable. "Come on. He'll come back tomorrow." I let her walk me to Chad's car and they drive me home.
"Just go to sleep. We'll try looking for him tomorrow." Leslie says when I get out of the car. "Goodnight. Thanks Chad." I say as I close the door. I feel terrible and afraid. I don't know where Daniel is and at the state he was in I just hope he doesn't do anything bad.
When I enter the house, all the lights are off. My parents must be asleep, so I silently walk up to my room and get to bed, but I can't sleep. I toss and turn and all I do is get irritated. Daniel is out there and I don't know where he is, I'm afraid of what has happened to him. If I don't find him tomorrow, I'm going to the police and I'm filing a missing persons case. I only just found out that Daniel's parents don't support him, and I really hope that didn't get to him.

Valentine's Day-

I think I only sleep for a few minutes because I feel like I only closed my eyes for a little before my mom is in my room and is panicking as she wakes me up. "Andy! Andy! Wake up! Andy, wake up! Something terrible has happened!" I know what's happened, but I'm really hoping I'm wrong and it's something else. I don't put on a shirt, I just run downstairs and I follow my mom to the television. The headline is self explanatory: "decapitated boy's head found in city in Canada" The news reporters talks about how he was found in an alley where there was a noose tied up and his head somehow his body split from his neck and both fell to the ground. Of course, they quickly identify him as Daniel.
I feel my legs turn to rubber, I'm falling down and I lean on the couch to keep myself up. My mom and dad are also crying, they come to me and they hug me and tell they're sorry and that everything is going to be okay. But I know they're wrong, that that's just something you tell someone who's traumatised just to keep them calm. But it doesn't work.
There's a knock on the door, really fast and knocking hard. My dad opens it, and I can hear her. "Is Anderson here?" Leslie says. My dad opens up the door and I see her crying just like me and everyone else. She runs to me and we hug each other. "He's dead!" She says. And it just makes me want to cry even more. I know why he did it. Because of the people who would always say bad things to him for being gay. His parents... oh God, his own parents! They wouldn't accept him and they were part of the reason for this to happen, I hope they face the backlash that's headed towards them. Their ignorance drove their own son to kill himself, they're close mindedness did this! Jordan and the other football guys did this too! They were talking mess about him and drove him to do it. I drove him to do it for not defending him at that moment. I'm part of the problem. Leslie tells me it's her fault for not caring too much if he was gone and instead going out with Chad, and that she could have followed him. So maybe we're all part of the problem or are just looking for ourselves to blame. But I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now. My friend, the guy I was going to tell I love him, gone, I wish I had told him earlier. I wish I'd cared more for him. I wish his parents would have helped him instead of being stupid and ignorant... and the way he died! God, the way he died is horrendous! In a dark alley with no one around to save him, nobody around to hear him until he let out his last breath. I should have been there to stop him, but I wasn't. Nobody was.
This is happening, this is real life! People are being killed or killing themselves for being who they want to be. They are being pushed to their tipping point and it's not right!

1 month later-

We've all avoided ever getting near Daniel's parents. But today, as we're getting ready for his funeral, the one everyone but Daniel's parents paid for, we made sure to invite them. To get them as close to the front of his casket as possible so they can see what they were a part of. As the three of us go up to the little stage next to Daniel to say our eulogies, we make sure his parents are listening, loud and clear to every word as it stings them. The entire school came. They dismissed today in order for everyone to pay their respects to Daniel, and I hate the school for doing that. Nobody knew Daniel like the three of us did. Actually, not even me, just Leslie and Riley. I never got to know Daniel because of what happened.
When it's time for my eulogy. I make sure even Jordan hears everything. Except, he doesn't show much emotion. So when I'm done with my eulogy, and when the whole reception is done, I storm to Jordan and I push him back. He didn't even wear a suit. He didn't care about any of this. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I shout to him. All he does is laugh. "What?" He asks. "Was I supposed to cry over a gay kid? He deserved to die if he wasn't going to accept that he should be dating a girl. It's not ri-" I don't let him finish. I make my hand into a fist and I punch him in the jaw as hard as I can. Harder than I ever thought I could. The impact makes him wiggle around a bit and he drops to the ground. Everyone around us gasps, and I just walk away. Daniel is under there because of these kinds of people. I did what I should have done the very first day, when Daniel was still alive, when he was happy. I should have defended him- but I didn't. I walk away from everyone and instead I walk around the graveyard for a bit. Looking around at all these gravestones and realising: there must be a lot of dead people who did exactly what Daniel did because of people like Jordan or Daniel's parents. If only someone would have defended them, if only someone would have done what I just did, or maybe more reasonable, maybe they would still be alive. "Are you okay?" Leslie asks as her and Riley catch up to me. I sigh. "No. I'm not." I say dismissing them, but they don't go away.
"Anderson. We're all upset about what happened to Daniel. But just walking away like that isn't going to do anything. And punching someone won't make Daniel happy, I know Jordan deserves it, but not here, not now. You should be mourning Daniel right now, not avenging his death." Riley says. I can hear both of their heels as we walk down the cement walkway.
"You're right," I say out loud and turn to them. "Let's go back and be with Daniel."

I haven't been doing anything at all for the past month. I just come to my room and sit in silence, and today is no exception. After I'm done eating a silent dinner with my parents, I go up to my room and lay on my bed with the lights off. It's starting to rain and I can see the raindrops dripping down my window on the reflection they make on the wall opposite to the window. I'm just lying in bed, wishing I could see Daniel once again. I want to sleep with him and have conversations with him. But most of all, just see him. I can't remember his face, and I remember: I have a sketch of him! I jump out of bed and I dig through my drawer until I find my sketching book and I open it to the last thing I sketched, and there he is, in all of his glory. I gently tear the page out of the book, I feel tears streaming down my face as I walk to my bed and I lay the paper next to me, imagining Daniel next to me. It's almost as if he's actually next to me. I lay my hand where his temple would be, but it lands on my pillow, and I start rubbing it. I can picture him smiling back at me. And I start to cry even more, even after the image of Daniel is gone. I don't want him gone. I stare at Daniel instead, until we eventually fall asleep together.

Dear valentine,

I know you will never see this, or me for that matter. But, just know that these are some really strange feelings. Very intense, and they're all for you.❤