BoyxBoy One-shots

Darkness

WARNING!!!!! THERE WILL BE SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THINGS AND OTHERS THINGS!!! IF THIS BOTHERS YOU DO NOT READ!!!!!

Darkness

I feel empty. Yet I feel so much pain. I feel self hatred. I feel worthless. Alone. Sad. Angry with my self, with everything. I don't want this anymore. I want it all to go away. I want it to leave me alone. I want to feel happy again. I want to be me. I've lost myself to it. ive lost myself to the depression. Its taking me. I only have two things left. Two things that havent left me. My love and my blade. The only things that have kept me alive. Its consuming me. The pain and darkness. It's surronding me. It's swallowing me. I feel myself slipping. Surendering myself to it. I need to let it out.

I need my blade. I need to feel the sting and burn of it on my skin. I need to see the blood. I need that oh so familar sense of relief. I crave it. I Pull the notebook from inder my matress and flip to the back. I peel back the tape and take the sharpaner blade from the tape. I close the book and go sit on the bed I share with my love. I pull up the sleeve of my shirt and stare at my arm. I stare at the cuts and scars. Old and new. I trace my figers over them before taking the blade and bring it to my arm. I  slowly drag the blade across my skin and relish in the pain. I start to feel better.

I cut again. And again. And again. And again. I do it till my arm is covered in cuts and blood is dripping down my arm. I set the blade down and stare at what Ive done. I watch as the blood drips and feel all the pain and things I was feeling melt away. I stand up and walk into the bathroom. I start to wash the blood off when I hear a noise. I hear the lock off the front door and freeze. He's home. He cant see my like this. He's seem the cuts. The scars. But never right after. i need to finish cleaning them and bandaging them.

i quickly as I can clean them and wrap them in gauze. Just as i finish and slip on a sweater He walks into our room. I peak out of the bathroom and see him looking at the bed sadly. I move my gaze to the bed and see the notebook and blade beside it. I look up just as he does and our eyes meet. i can see the pain and hurt in his eyes. He goes to pick them up but I run over and grab them before he can. He watches as I shove it under the matress.

"Again?" I look down at my feet as I nod my head. I stare at the ground as a tear slips out. In seconds hes in front of me. He tilts my chin up and wipes away the tear. he leans in a softly kisses me.

"I love you baby," he whispers against my lips. Those words only make me start to cry more. He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me. We stand there as I let it all out. Once the tears start to slow down he takes my hands and lies me down on the bed. He gets in and pulls a blanket over us. He holds me and whispers to me as I fall asleep. Within minutes i'm consumed by a darkness I welcome.

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 I open my eyes and blink until they adjust to the darkness. I sit up and wrap my arms around my legs. I start to feel all the same feelings come back. as the first tear falls I bury my face in my knees. Tear after tear falls and soon I'm in hystarics crying my eyes out. I dont want this. I cant take the pain. I need it all to stop. I can't think of anyway to get rid of it. The only  way is my blade. But that wont help. i can tell its too much. The pain is sufficating. It needs to end. Even though the only way for it to all go away is for me to go away.

I slowly crawl out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I slam the door closed before going to the sink. I open the drawr and grab the bottle of anti-depressants and dump them in my hand. I pick up the glass of water next to the sink, swallow the pills and take a big swig of water. I support myself on the wall and slowly slide down. I rest my haed against it and let my eyes close. Moments later I'm fast asleep. 

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" DARE!! DEREK!!! WAKE UP PLEASE!!!"

I slightly open my eyes enough to see my love kneeling by my side. my eyes flitter closed again as i focus on my heartbeat. its irregular. Its working. All the pain will be gone soon. Just a little while longer. I feel his tears fall on me and I open my eyes and take his hand. He squezes and begs me to stay with him.

"I love you, Tommy," I whisper before everything goes black.

Thomas' POV

I watch as his chest stops moving and his hand goes limp in mine. I let out a scream before colapsing on the floor next to him. tears run down my gace as i beg for him to come back to me. Even though I know he's not coming back. He's gone. He left me. I didn't make him happy. He was so depressed and miserable he killed himself. It's all my fault. he's gone because I couldn't make him happy enough. I wasn't enough to keep him alive. He would rather be dead then with me. 

The sound of pounding on the door causes me to look up at the door that leads to our room. Turning back I look at his lieless body. I feel myself break as more tears come. I hold his bod and cry needing him to come back. Theres a crash and cops and medics rush in and see us on the floor. They try to pull me off but I just hold on tighter. They finally get me off him and a few cops hold me back. I fight to get to him. I watch as the medics shake their head. They know they cant help. They know he's gone. 

They get a streacher and lift him on to it and wheel him to the ambulance outside. I see the cops mouth moving but don't hear what he's saying. They escout me to the cop car and i get in the back. I silently cry as they take me to the hospital. W get there and they take me to where they took Derek. A doctor in a lab coat comes out and walks over to me.

"Are you Thomas?" he asks and I nod my head. 

"I'm sorry to inform you that Derek didn't make it. He was gone before he got here."

Hearing that makes something inside me snap.

"YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT???? HE DIED IN MY ARMS!! I WATCHED HIM AS HE STOPPED BREATHING!! HE'S GONE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!"

"Please calm down sir."

"CALM DOWN??? THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS DEAD!!! HE'S....he's dead..." All the anger and fight drain out of me and I realize I don't have anything left. He's gone. The one thing I needed was gone and I couldn't change that. I feel my body give out and i drop to the floor four hands keeping me from hitting my head. I let everything out. All my pain and my saddness.

Derek is dead. When he died he took me with him.

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 I APOLIGIZE FOR THIS. I KNOW IT WAS REALLY SAD AND DEPRESSING BUT I WAS REALLY DEPRESSED WHEN I WROTE THIS. I NEED TO DO THIA AND I THINK IT CAME OUT OK. I HAVE PERSONALLY DEALT WITH DEPRESSION, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/ATTEMPT. THIS KIND OF STUFF ISN'T A JOKE. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT GETS ME THROUGH THE DAY AND KEEPS ME HERE. HE'S THE ONE THING THAT KEEPS ME HOLDING ON AND I LOVE HIM TO PEICES. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT HIM. ANYONE WHO IS DEALING WIHT DEPRESSION/SELFHARM/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/OR ANY OTHER THINGS I AM HERE IF YOU EVER NEED TO JUST VENT SEND ME A MESSAGE AND I WILL LISTEN. I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE. IF I DONT RESOND RIGHT AWAY IM PROBABLY JUST HAVING A BAD DAY. PLEASE STAY SAFE AND LIVE BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE WOULD MISS YOU. I DONT KNOW YOU BUT I WOULD MISS YOU. THANK YOU BYE!