Paper Hearts

03 | cradle

[ dedicated to wildparisian because i just read her book Phantoms & Demons earlier today and my mind was actually blown to smithereens. not even exaggerating when i say that - it was that good. plus, she goes by mor and that's like one of my favoritest names ever because that's the name of a bomb af character from a bomb af book so she knows what's up ]

PAPER HEARTS | 03

Ellie wasn't used to having any peace of mind - either she was in the clinic with fellow nurses shouting at her for supplies, or she was with Micah who was never short of something to talk about. There were only two, very brief, periods of time that she had to herself: her half hour shower, and her hour workout - which was also frequently interrupted by phone calls from Micah or occasional check-in's, as he liked to call it. He claimed it was to make sure she hadn't worked herself to exhaustion, but Ellie's theory was that Micah couldn't stand being by himself.

Not that she could blame him, though. When they were in the house together, only the two of them, separated from each other by a concrete wall, sometimes Ellie swore she could hear whimpers from the other side. Moans, more specifically. It was in times like those - when she imagined Micah pleasuring himself - that she found herself diving for her laptop, manuscript already pulled up. He seemed to have any easy time jerking off to anything. Ellie, on the other hand, didn't have it very nice. It wasn't that she wouldn't give herself the opportunity at a little release - which she direly needed - but that she couldn't. While she very well knew what to do, she had no idea how to do it. She didn't know what exactly rapture was supposed to be a result of, and imagining Micah just felt wrong.

While Micah didn't have a problem going to Isla for a little fun time, as he, again, liked to call it, Ellie had a difficult time getting any kind of rise out of her boyfriend, Isaac Michaelson. The affection was there - the peppering of kisses across her forehead and the teasing touches along the palms of her hands, but there was rarely anymore than that. Ellie sometimes struggled to remember the last time he'd actually kissed her, because the quick pecks he left her with were becoming increasingly dull.

It was true that, while Micah and her were terrible in their relationships, choosing to focus on their friendship more than their potential second half, he had it better of than her. Ellie didn't struggle to push down the balloon of jealousy that swelled in her chest at the thought of that; she just feared the day the balloon would pop.

• • •

"There was only so much time she could spend yearning for the man she could never have. Standing at the crossroads of their hearts, she reached a hand out to him, but he didn't take it. He would never take it because for as long as she had loved him, he had loved someone else. His heart was packaged and shipped to one who didn't feel like she deserved it. And while the one who wanted it would never have it, she supposed she would have to come to terms with that - love was, after all, ephemeral. There was no falling in love with the beauty when she was as beastly as anything, or anyone, could get."

Ellie set her phone aside, cranking up the music and the speed on her treadmill. Running was what got her thoughts flowing - it was also what made her want to hop into bed and keep writing. Something about the idea of sweating and burning calories seemed to turn her off, but according to Isaac, exercise was going to be good for her. It was going to bring color into her cheeks, some pep into her step, and, most importantly, a significantly smaller size for jeans into her closet. Isaac stressed heavily on the last one, claiming her weight loss would be more desirable to not only him, but to herself.

She couldn't say that she disagreed with him. The only motivation Ellie had to keep working out, aside from the steady stream of thoughts crashing into each other like waves, was that by the end of it all, she'd be able to wear a tight dress without her butt bulging in the back. As surface-level as it seemed, if there was any favor Ellie could do for herself that would actually benefit her, it was losing weight.

Her breath was coming out in ragged puffs, she was beginning to see spots in her vision, when the treadmill clicked to a sudden stop. Clutching the sides, keeling over, she heaved, phlegm hanging from her lips. Her legs buckled beneath her, and Ellie came crashing to her knees, straight into a pair of waiting arms. Micah cradled her against his chest until she regained some semblance of strength. She tucked herself into his chest, hiccuping as she gasped for air - he didn't say anything when the crown of her head slammed into his jaw. He didn't say anything when she choked over the side of his arm nor when she wiped her brow on the collar of his shirt. Micah only held her tighter, only brought her closer.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

She floundered for a response. "It was just my regular workout."

"Ellie, you had it set to the fastest speed. That's not your regular workout."

He pulled her off the machine, tucked her between his thighs, dress pants brushing against her bare legs. They sat away from the lamplight, and closer to the window, clinging to each other as they were bathed in moonlight. Micah kissed her forehead, wished away the sheen of sweat. He smothered her until the embers skimming her skin caught onto him. Together, they decided, they would burn.

Everything would be done together.

"I just want to lose weight, Micah."

"Why all of a sudden? You had the same body months ago and you didn't need to lose weight.

Ellie and Micah's friendship - or whatever it was - was the paradigm of finiteness. It was a ticking time bomb, prepared to blow whenever the clock struck zero. It was a relationship built upon the foundation of a friendship. Then it turned volatile - turning into something that would, potentially, be more than what it was supposed to. Their friendship was really madness for something, or, in their case, someone. It was an obsession they had for each other. He wanted to kiss the underside of her breast, and she wanted to bite down onto his collarbone, only to lick the pain away.

"Well, now I want to lose weight - Isaac wants me to do the same."

Micah stilled behind her. "Isaac said he wanted you to lose weight?" Every word was soft, pronounced - deliberate. Ellie nodded.

"You don't think that's odd? You don't think it's odd that the man who allegedly loves every part of you is telling you to lose weight when there's no need for you to do so?"

"He's just looking out for me, Micah."

"Well, he can stop now because I've been looking after you much longer than him and I've been doing a fine job. Tell him to fuck off and mind his own business - you don't need to lose weight."

Ellie glanced up at him, her lashes barely fanning his chin. "But what if I really need to?"

"The day you need to lose weight will be the day I need to get plastic surgery. It's not going to happen. Now go shower."

• • •

a/n: long time no see, guys! so a little bit on my absence: i'm bogged down by school. whoever said senior year was a breeze lied - it's my worst year yet. i haven't had much time to write at all so for those of you looking for an update on inferno or ghost, you guys will have to wait longer. i'm so sorry about that. i hate being inactive because i'm always coming up with new ideas and i always want to share them - i just never have the time! maybe you guys caught it, maybe you didn't but ellie's a writer in the making. she's writing a story. i wonder what she could be writing? hmm. anyway, merry christmas guys! or, belated merry christmas in reality. i hope everyone had a wonderful and safe time with friends, family, and food! thank you all for the support you've shown this story - you all continue to warm my heart with every vote or comment, no matter how short so thank you for being so patient with me. you guys are the best readers in the world <3 i'm hoping to crank out another 1-2 parts for this story before my break ends so fingers crossed that i can actually pull through. have a wonderful day guys and hopefully i can talk to everyone soon in another update :)