Starbird

Chapter 27

My head reeled as I replayed the kiss in my head a billion times. He kissed me, he ACTUALLY kissed me. I wanted to smile and think of how perfect it was, how it was all I wanted and more, how now he was going to actually ask me out, and how everyone was right - that he and I fancied each other and this was no longer so one-sided. 

But that wasn’t the case.

He kissed me, yes. And then he left. He didn’t ask me anything! He didn’t tell me what he wanted to know and instead of feeling happy that that had all happened, I was frustrated. Seriously, what the heck just happened?

Picking up a pillow from the couch, I threw it against the couch and repeatedly did so until I was so frustrated that that wasn’t satisfying, so instead I picked it up, buried my face into it, and screamed. That felt better. I paced the living room in the dark, trying to get a grip on whatever was happening. It wasn’t a dream, that was something I was sure about at this point. I could feel my nails digging into the skin of my palms as I balled my fists tighter and tighter, hoping the pain would distract me. Yeah, it didn’t do enough because the second it started hurting too much, I ran to the kitchen to run my hands under cold water so, once again, I was left with only the thoughts of the kiss replaying in my head. 

Everything that happened ran through my head. Everything was perfect until he ditched. Why did he leave without any explanation? Was I supposed to assume that we were dating now or something, because I don’t think he wants me coming to set anytime soon and calling him “Babe” and announcing to every magazine that we’re official. Because we’re not. He kissed me. I kissed him back. He left. I shouldn’t be confused as I am, but that’s what happened and it just left me with more questions than before.

“Ok, stop, stop,” I begged myself, hitting my head. I looked at the clock above the stove in the kitchen as it read in bright green lights, 3:56. I nearly choked. 3:56? He stayed that long? What, did he watch the entire Disney movie even after I fell asleep? I wanted to smile at the thought that he let me sleep on him for an hour and a half, but then I remembered that he left without explanation after kissing me. Screw that adorable British boy, I needed answers before I could start liking him even more. I rubbed my eyes, exhaustion coming over me, but I could barely shut my eyes. I forced myself up the stairs and changed into my pajamas, but never for one second deterring from my original train of thought. My bed was warm and cozy and, if it were any other night, I would have fell into an immediate sleep. Instead I found myself tossing and turning, my body just wanting me to fall asleep so I could recover from lack of sleep these past few days, but my brain running at full speed as it replayed my inadvertently first kiss. Liam, you ridiculously attractive male, what did you do to me?

The next day remained a blur. At some point in the early afternoon, I woke up to an empty house, which was good, because I felt like blasting music and going into art mode so I could try to distract myself from Liam. But naturally, that didn’t happen, because I just found myself drawing couples and disgustingly romantic stuff. Was this what it was always like for lovesick people? A never ending heartache and thoughts stretching into space? I wish they were tied on a string so I could reel them all back in, but it wasn’t as simple as I wished it to be.

Throughout the day, I moved throughout the house in a sort of melodramatic state, periodically throwing myself on the armchair or the floor or simply flopping on the counter. No matter what I did, I just felt useless. I wasn’t coming to any conclusions as to what had passed the night before and I was beginning to believe I would have to accept that fact sooner or later or else I would collapse altogether. 

Oh my gosh, just stop! Pull yourself together woman, you can get a grip and not worry about it. Just forget about it. Distract yourself. What do people do to distract themselves? Go for a jog?  I snorted at my own thoughts and waved away all physical activity. I couldn’t be left to do anything artistic anymore because I was just constantly reminded about how much Liam liked my work. I didn’t want coffee because it reminded me of when Liam caught me being extremely hyper. And if anything, I definitely didn’t want to sit on the couch anytime soon.