Selfish *Markson AU*

Chapter Four

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Chapter 4

"What should I do?" Jackson sits at the break room table, head in his hands. The work today was pretty much stress-free, but Jackson had other things on his mind. One of his colleagues, a young foreign guy called Bambam since no one could pronounce his real name, sat with him. Jackson and Bambam have been friends for years, yet Bambam was clueless about what really goes on between Jackson and Mark. He has only met Mark a handful of times, the last time was nearly a year ago.

"Buy him something nice, treat him like a king. I'm sure he will forgive you, you two love each other a lot." Bambam tries to help, but Jackson still sits there, hopeless.

"I really messed up this time." Jackson whispers, not loud enough for his friend to hear. Bambam's phone vibrates on the table and he checks it, eyes lighting up.

"Does Mark like flowers?" Jackson sighs, slowly raising his head to look the other in the eyes.

"Who doesn't?"

"Well my roommate, Yugyeom, works at a flower shop. They sell very nice bouquets of flowers and it even comes with a box of chocolates. It wont solve all your problems, but it might help." Jackson hasn't bought Mark flowers in so long, he cant even remember when. He smiles at Bambam.

"It wouldn't hurt to try, I guess." Glad to have helped, Bambam gives Jackson the address for the place and Jackson heads there after work, buying the biggest bouquet of roses they had. He's been thinking about what to say all day, he practices his lines in the car.

"'Mark, I am so sorry, I promise to be a better boyfriend.' No that won't do. 'You can hate me, just let me make it up to you, let's go to a fancy restaurant!'. C'mon Jackson think!" The whole way home, he argues with himself on how he can make everything right, even though it hasn't been right for a long time. He is still battling with himself as he stands just outside their apartment.

Relax, you will know what to say as soon as you see him, just like always. Just remain calm, you don't want to scare him. Keep your cool!

He unlocks the door and steps inside. That's weird, all the lights are off, and it's silent. Normally when Jackson comes home he would hear Mark playing music in his office as he works, or the sound of Mark in the kitchen, cooking dinner. The T.V would be on, playing some random show, Mark hated silence when he was home alone.

Maybe he is sleeping?

Jackson sets the flowers on the counter and peaks a head into Mark's office just in case. It's empty, Mark's laptop missing from the desk. That's odd. Mark almost never takes his laptop out of that room.

Maybe he took it into the bedroom to watch Netflix or something.

Jackson walks to the bedroom, slowly opening the door, not wanting to wake Mark up. The bed is empty and Jackson's heart stops. Mark isn't here. He pulls out his phone and checks his messages. Mark normally tells him he left the house, but there is no message and Jackson panics. He calls but it goes straight to voicemail.

Maybe his phone died. It's almost dark out, he'll be home soon.

Jackson calms down, and decides to take a shower while he waits for Mark to return. Jackson doesn't notice the missing items in the bathroom as he undresses and gets in the shower, the warm water relaxing his muscles and releasing tension. He pictured Mark at a cafe, typing away on his laptop, losing track of time. Jackson smiled, he can't wait for Mark to get home. He turns off the water and gets out, wrapping a towel around his hips. Walking into their bedroom, he flicks on the lights and checks the time on his phone. 8 pm. It's getting really late, Mark shouldn't walk home alone at this time.

I'll just go find him and bring him home.

Jackson tosses his phone onto the bed and gets dressed, just a simple hoodie and sweat pants. he walks over to the bed to pick up his phone, noticing a book beside it. Mark sometimes reads before he sleeps, but there isn't some fancy cover or words, just solid black. Intrigued, Jackson picks it up, and sits on the edge of the bed, examining it. It's a photo album. Opening it, Jackson is greeted with photos of Mark and him, in the early stages of their relationship, all happy smiles and awkward hand-holding. Smiling, Jackson flipped through the pages slowly, looking at every picture. All the places they visited, all the happy moments.

Mark looks so happy, we both do.

As he got deeper in the book, the photos changed. The dates got more spread out, they smiled less. Soon Jackson wasn't even in the pictures anymore, it was just Mark, his sad eyes slowly killing him. He was almost scared to turn the page, afraid of what he was going to see. He flipped the page and stopped breathing. Pictures of Mark's bruised and broken body covered the pages and Jackson's mind. Throat tight, he flipped through the pages, he was just about halfway through the book, and all the pages were filled with similar photos. Jackson hoped that the photos would take a turn and they would be happy again, but this is reality and he knew it doesn't get better, just worse. It's all Mark's tear-covered face and bruised body. Jackson starts crying, knowing he is to blame for everything. His tears fall onto the pictures as he continues to flip through the pages. The last page wasn't pictures, just a tear stained note. Wiping his eyes, Jackson starts to read Mark's messy handwriting.

Jackson,

I can't do this anymore. I tried to endure it, but it never gets better. I told myself that one day everything will be okay and you will stop hitting me, but your hands hurt and I can no longer lie to myself. I love you and that will never change, but you need to. Your anger is out of control. I can't just sit in this apartment, and pretend that everything is okay. That is why I have decided to leave you. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I know it is the right thing. I can only handle so much and you have reached my breaking point. I Know I wouldn't be able to say this to you in person, so I had to write it in a note. I thought using photos would maybe open your eyes and show you the damage you have done. I am not doing this to be mean or to get back at you, I am doing this in hopes that you will change because I love you so much and it hurts to see you like this. Maybe one day you'll change and I'll come back. But until then, this is goodbye.

I love you with all my heart,

Mark Tuan

No. Nononononononono NO!

Jackson throws the album as hard as he can and it flies across the room, smacking into the doors of the walk-in closet. He finally notices that all of Mark's things are gone and he starts destroying his own in a blind rage. Hitting walls, breaking bottles of cologne and picture frames, smashing mirrors. Words flash in his mind as he tears apart the bedroom.

He's gone. It's all your fault. You did this. You failed at keeping him safe. You ruined everything. You will never see him again.

After nearly everything breakable was broken, Jackson rips open the door to the walk-in closet and falls to the floor. The room was empty, save for the chains at the back of the room. The room smelled so badly of bleach from all the times Jackson had to mop up Mark's blood off the floor. The anger faded and was replaced with the horrible wave of sadness. The pain in his chest hurt so bad as he sat on the floor and cried. He deserved this. He deserved all this and more.

Maybe one day you'll change and I'll come back.

Jackson never hated the word 'maybe' more in his life. He hated it almost as much as he hated himself.