.
I was exhausted.
Tired yet unable to fall asleep.
The rain made a calming noise against the window of my small, dark bedroom.
I was lonely, there was nobody there for me..
my therapist just told me to "Get over it, you're fine"
I wasn't 'fine'.
I hadn't felt fine in a long time.
"Why?" I asked myself with the tone of ones voice on the verge of tears.
"Why am I so alone, even in a room of people? Why can't I be happy?" I continued.
The urge came again..
I snapped the band around my wrist hoping it would be enough.
Monday, School day
As I was staring at the ceiling wishing I could've fallen asleep, my Mum walked in, with a surprised look that had fallen over her face.
"Tyler.. You have massive bags under your eyes.
Did you sleep?"
"Uh... I tried to?" I sighed.
She walked out furiously.
I waited for the bus outside in the beautiful rain with a sense of dread pin pointed to my heart because I knew everything would go wrong today, like it always does.
The bus arrived filled with other students of my age, all of them hated me.
I got onto the bus hoping waiting for josh, my best friend, but the only things I received were the comments that hurt like a knife that had been left sitting on a fire.
"Oh great, look who's here" Said one of the kids as he nudged his friend in the arm and pointed at me without caring if I saw it.
Other comments were made but I managed to sort of block them out. It still happened and I knew it was happening.
I didn't want to be here.
I ran off the bus and back into the small yellow house we were renting.
I began to panic, but then everything went an almost Blue/Grey.
My broken mind filled with nothing but ideas on how I could end this.
My life.
I didn't care as long as it would work.
The one that came to my mind first was to go to the pier at the bay.
I wouldn't survive that.
I thought to myself 'it's almost Christmas though, I would ruin Mum's Christmas..
I don't think she would care'
It's always harder this time of year, everyone is so happy and cheerful and I am just a wandering soul filled with sadness, anger, hatred, dread, shock and yet completely empty.
Tuesday, Student free day
Today was the day.
The end.
I was extra kind to Mum this morning, because I love her, a lot.
I wished from the bottom of my broken little heart that I could see josh just one more time, I needed him.
He made me happy, purposeful almost.
He was the brightest shade of yellow and soft blue. Beautiful.
While I stay in my room and wished to see josh, I noticed a warm feeling in my heart.
"I.. Is this love?"
I asked myself aloud.
Was I in love?
Suddenly a wave of orange grew inside my mind, guilt.
Why hadn't I seen josh? Does he even still like me?
'Oh'
That's right, everyone leaves me.
A warm tear ran down the side of my soft cheek and ran onto my lip, I licked my lip.
"Salty" I whispered.
I walked out of the house and slowly wandered to the beach, of course I chose the way past Josh's house just in case he would see me and help me.
I walked past his small red house with a tear in my eye, I looked into the window casually from the street and I saw him.
Him.
The tingling sensation of butterflies flying inside my stomach began as I made eye contact with him.
I didn't stop because I could feel my face go red, he didn't care about me anymore.
It hurt to say that in my head, of course I heard worse everyday but this time..
It really hurt.
I could see the ocean, so blue. I could also see the pier.
The last place I will ever stand.
My mind said "You're almost there, just walk right off" and "this lines the only way"
I deeply wanted to walk off and fall asleep (metaphorically)
Everything hit at once.
The comments.
The thoughts.
The harm.
By now I was nearing the end of the pier, walking as if I was following the breeze.
I heard a noise, so familiar yet so alien to me.
The butterflies came again, it was josh. He knew.
"Tyler?..."
I called for help yet not one word spilled.
"Hey.. everything is going to be okay.. I promise"
Still, silence.
I wanted to yell "I miss you and I love you"
But he would think I'm a freak.
"Follow me instead.."
He said softly.
His voice was so peaceful and beautiful to my ears.
I walked over to josh and I began to speak before I burst out in tears.
"Josh.. I lo-"
Josh took my hand and lead me off the pier.
My mind said;
There is someone there.
He looked into my eyes with his deep mocha coloured eyes and wiped the tears from my face.
I really loved him.
He didn't know that.
"Always.. follow me instead, okay?"
"O-okay.. josh I-"
"I love you" he whispered.
He wrapped his warm arms around my cold body and assured me everything will be okay.
Wednesday, school day
Today didn't seem so bad, someone loved me.
' I am loved' I told myself.
I sat at the table in the cafeteria at lunch, all alone
As usual.. I saw him from across the room and smiled so hard it hurt my cheeks. He came over and said "I'm glad you're still here Tyler, remember to always follow me instead okay?"
I was in love.
