I'm Sorry, Stefan

Chapter 13

Stefan rode his bike silently through the streets, keeping his head down. The sun was getting lower and lower on the horizon, casting a pinkish glow over Stefan’s neighborhood. He biked through familiar streets, past familiar houses, and kept going. He rode past his own house, and didn’t look back. Pedaling down a long hill, he slowed as he reached the edge of a thin forest. He hadn’t been here for the last couple of weeks, although Stefan could never forget his last visit to this forest.

He left this bike leaning against a tree, knowing that it would be safe, and slowly walking in. The trees were bright and grass, the grass long and soft, birds and other animals all around. Off in distance, he could hear the quiet sound of a river flowing, but he didn’t dwell on it. His feet made almost no noise as he walked.

As he neared their tree, he slowed his pace, stopping in front of the old, twisted trunk. He looked up, seeing the thick braches that he used to climb se easily, the thin ones at the very top that he and Maya would scale with ease. With shaking fingers, he touched the hard wood, below his hand; there was a familiar knot in the tree, the perfect size for an envelope. It seemed like forever ago that there had been one there, tucked neatly in the small crevice. Stefan stood there for a minute or so, before turning and walking away.

 He continued his trek through the forest, not particularly noticing the things around him, his mind focused on his destination. It took him awhile to get there, to the river. Here, it was shallow, the water running clear, the bottom visible through the light current. But up ahead, Stefan knew, the water got deeper. And faster. And that’s where he was headed. So he walked along the current, following the twists and turns of the river, like he imagined Maya would have done.

Eventually, he found the right spot. Where the bank was close to a deep, fast part in the river, where the current was fast enough to carry away a person. He couldn’t help thinking was this where she had done it? Was this the place she jumped from? He could see her in his mind’s eye, her hair flying and she leapt into the current. Were there rocks on the bottom? Did she crack her head? Or did she simply drown… he would never know.

Carefully, he knelt by the river’s edge, placing his knees in the dirt. He reached in, just letting his fingers brush the surface of the water, feeling the current race beneath his fingertips. It was ice cold, freezing to the touch, and fast. It was dark too, filling with mud and dirt to make it murky, Stefan couldn’t see the bottom. He pulled his fingers away, carefully wiping away the moisture on his shirt. He sat there, unmoving, just thinking. He closed his eyes, lost in thoughts.

That’s when the tears came. Slowly at first, just one or two were dripping out from beneath his eyelids. Trailing down his cheeks to land in the dirt, to quickly be absorbed. Then more came, faster, leaving his cheeks damp and his breath coming in gasps. Finally alone, Stefan let go, and allowed himself to cry.

He cried about everything. The things he hadn’t known about until today, finally letting all of his fear and frustration bubble to the surface. He cried with guilt, the crushing guilt he felt about not realising what had been happening to his best friend. He cried for Darcie, who had suffered just as much as he had, if not more. He cried with anger, because no matter how sad he felt, there was a part of him that hated Maya, for what he had done.

But mostly, he cried for her. Maya. For losing her. He would never see her again. Hear her laugh. See her smile. See that glint him her eyes when she was planning something, the way she, just like he did, but her lip when she was nervous. He cried about losing all of that.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, letting the tears fall. It might have been hours, it might have been only a minute, and it would have felt the same to Stefan.  But, eventually, the tears began to slow, like he didn’t have any more tears to shed. His breathing slowed to a more regular pace, and he opened his eyes. He stood up slowly he legs stiff and numb. He wiped the wetness off his cheeks.