Eyes

Fearful

Day 126:
I'm scared for him, he's getting worse and it's harder to control his disorder now. Watching animal planet can't save him now, I'm concerned. Today I was left him alone in the living room, it was only for a minute whilst I found my phone in my room. As soon as I left him, he ran into the kitchen and grabbed the knife. I knew this as I heard his cries and sounds of metal. He was shouting 'I will!' And 'I am going to leave me alone!'. I didn't understand these ones, as soon as I saw him with the knife up to his neck I knew what he was doing. Killing himself, and telling the demons he will. I grabbed the knife of him and put it back on the rack. Jack tried cutting me. He never has done that before, I'm scared. He's going to kill me one day because I won't let him go. He backed into the corner of the room tugging his hair and closing his eyes.

My phone started wringing, the doctors. I answered and they asked me questions about Jack: 'is it getting worse?' They asked, and 'How often does he see them?'. One of the questions, I lied to. 'Has he tried injuring you?' They asked. I said no, because if they happened to find out Jack tried to cut me. They would of taken him into an asylum. I'm never letting that happen. We will try all the medicine in the world to make him better, I'm never letting it get to the stage when they take him away from me. What would he do in a room by himself? He would go crazy. The doctors appointment is tomorrow, I hope all goes well.

We are outside now, I'm taking him to see somethings. We are driving to the beach, his pale face looking through the window at the sea and seagulls. He's giggling, Jack keeps pointing things out to me, clouds, rocks and grass. He's happy, I'm happy. He can only go out if I'm there. Otherwise he would have an outburst, we arrive at the beach and walk across the sand. It crunches under our shoes and Jack is laughing and looking around everywhere. He's holding my hand, staying close now. Jack always faces in the direction of the wind, he likes the feeling of the cold breeze running against his skin and through his hair. I kiss him on the head and he grips my hand harder. We look around for a bit, before going home. When he's outside with me it seems like nothing is wrong, but at home he's sat on the floor with a knife to his neck.