How long has it been?
When did Aaron leave?
Spencer had been sittingon the floor of Jack's room for what seemed like hours wonderingwhat he was going to do now. His lover had walked out on him afterremembering how he'd raped him, and his son was dead. He was alonein a house that was suffocating him with memories.
I just need to forget.
I just need to stopthis damn ache in my soul.
I know how to do that.
He gingerly stood up, hisbody stiff from immobility. He was still clutching the manatee inhis trembling arms, clinging to it like a lifeline. It was Jack's. Jack loved that manatee.
"Jack NEEDS thatmanatee, Aaron. I will not be defeated by a carnival game."
He hugged the toy a littletighter as a sob escaped his throat.
God, I can't do thisanymore!
He slowly walked back tothe master bath. When he entered the room he glanced at the mirror. He hardly recognized his reflection. There was nothing thereanymore. He felt like he was walking around but he was empty inside;like he didn't have a reason to be hereanymore.
Spencer reached up ontothe very top shelf of the medicine cabinet above the toilet and feltaround until his fingers hit the glass vial he'd hidden away. Hetook the bottle containing that cool liquid...his deliverance, hisescape....into his hand and brought it down to stare at it. Such atiny thing, but it could do so much.
It can change reality.
He sat down with his backleaning against the tub while he continued to stare at the liquid.
I can do this.
He drew up 4mg into thesyringe.
Is that enough?
No...I know that'snot enough.
"Tell me it doesn'tmake it better."
Suddenly, he knew heneeded more. He didn't care how much; he just knew he needed more. He pulled the plunger out as far as it would go, filling the syringeto capacity.
He tied the terry clothbelt around his arm one last time and placed the needle to his skin.
This is ok.
Everything is going tobe ok now.
I need it to be ok now.
I'm so tired....
He allowed himself onelast thought of Aaron.
"I love you, youknow. I love your rambling. I love everything about you, Spencer."
YOU ARE READING
Finding Solace
FanfictionAfter the Mr. Scratch case, Aaron's having trouble coming to terms with what he saw while drugged. He can't get the sight of Spencer Reid lying dead on the ground out of his head. Will his downward spiral lead to dire consequences for those he holds...
