Let Me Be Your Superhero

Chapter 8

I haven't been to school in a week.

Things haven't been this bad since last year when it all started. I've been sending my assignments to school with Alexis who has come over every day just to make sure I'm still here. When she's here we mostly just watch TV but I see her glancing over at me periodically. She asks me how I'm doing every few minutes. I'm fine. You would think that when somebody basically tells you they love you, somebody you've started falling for yourself, you would think that it would be wonderful. It definitely wasn't. Why? He was joking.

He's known me for what, a month? And he knows me enough to love me? There is no way that song is about me and there is no way that a boy like him could like me. Nobody ever likes me, that's just how my life is. I'm an extremely fragile person. It's completely fine when people joke around with me, but that all stops when it comes to my feelings. The fact that he thought he could just play with my emotions like that, I don't ever want to see him again. That's why I'm at home. I'm avoiding him. I'm avoiding the lurching pain that will grow in my chest the next time I see him. I honestly thought he was different. God that sounds so cliche but it's completely true. 

***

"Her name is Lexi Taylor."

I went completely numb. I began to analyze his face for any hint that this could be real, that he could actually be telling the truth and that he actually liked me. The corner of his mouth turned up slightly. Holy shit. He's fucking joking. He actually thinks this is fucking funny. My heart dropped into my stomache and I choked out words.

"Shut the fuck up."

"No Lex I'm serious. I've been meaning to tell you for a-"

"Luke I told you to shut the fuck up."

"What did I do?"

I sat there staring at him with tears stinging my eyes, threatening to make their presence known. My voice had yet to raise. It was completely quiet and monotone. He looked worried, like he knew he'd gone too far. 

"Luke."

"Yes Lex?"

"Why."

Before he could answer, because it wasn't meant to be a question, I got up and stormed out of the room. I heard him get up and call my name but I didn't turn back. If I turned back I would start feeling. Right now all I needed was the numbness, I could feel later. Why him. As I walked down the hall people were watching me, not only because now my eyes had failed me and the tears stained my face, but because he got everyone's attention when he was screaming my name. I went straight to my locker, got all my stuff and went to my favourite place. It's a cliff that overlooks a ravine with a river that runs through it. I'd gone there many times and contemplated jumping off, but today I just needed to get away and clear my mind. I'm trying to fight off my demons, not succumb to them. I wasn't going to let him hurt me anymore.

***

It was 4:15 and the knock on the door didn't come as a surprise. I got up to let Alexis in and went directly back to the place I had been sitting for the past week.

"Why are you so late?"

"I texted you. I said I had to talk to Mr. Schumacher about my physics project..."

Just as she said that my phone vibrated from the other side of the room.

"...which you would have known if you checked your phone."

My phone vibrated again.

"Lex. He just wants to talk to you. Running from this isn't going to make you feel better. Even though that was a dick move he still really cares about you. He feels awful. Just text him back and-"

"That's a load of bullshit."

"Why do you say that?"

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop the tears that were about to start.

"He told me he's the letter boy."

"What?!"

"He said that he's liked me since last year and that at the beginning of this year he started leaving me those notes in my locker at the beginning of the year."

"What an asshole."

"I know! It took a lot out of me to share them with him, and then he just goes and uses it to bring me down even more! Like holy fuck I never want to see him again."

"I get that Lex, I really do. But you can't let this boy fuck up your chances at getting into a good university. A university far, far away from him. You've only got a year and a half don't let him do this to you."

"It's not him it's me."

"You know that's not true."

"No Alexis it is true. The only reason I'm staying home is because I don't know what's going to happen when I do. I don't know what awful pain is going to rise in my chest when I see his face. His fucking beautiful face. His fucking beautiful face that makes me hurt inside because I know I can't have him. Because I know that I'll never be good enough for him and I know it's true because he thinks the thought of him liking me is a joke. And it is. Cause who could ever like fucking Lexi Taylor, the biggest fuck up there is."

"That isn't true. You're better than him. So much better and you deserve so much better."

"Stop lying to me and yourself you know that isn't true."

"I'm not lying."

We both got silent. I'd gone numb again and I was staring at a random line separating 2 floor panels. We sat in silence for a minute before my phone vibrated again.

"I'm not getting that."