What Almost Was and What May Be

Chapter One: Screams

I musn't let them down now. I musn't let them see me cry. I'm fine...

As a little girl, before my brothers were born, I was a happy child. Everything was perfect. I didn't cry. Pain was not in my vocabulary. I laughed at everything. But that makes sense, doesn't it? Everything is simpler as a child. Although that may be true, my childhood was broken. It wasn't always sunshines and rainbows. After the second brother, something changed. I only remember that I was in elementary school. My parents were separated at the time. As the eldest of three, I was the only one who understood the situation. I remember all my tears that I had to hide just to make sure my brothers never got scared. It affected me greatly. As I got older, I made myself forget. I forgot the fights between my parents. I forgot the fear. I forgot the pain. So why did I remember? The only reason I remembered was because of a little girl I had saved in a car accident.
I was driving home from work that day. I felt numb. Maybe I was just tired because I stayed more than usual to prepare for the next day. My music was blasting and I was quietly singing along. In a split second, I saw a mushroom of smoke lift into the sky. I slammed on the brake and my head hit the wheel. Everything around me became blurred and I heard a ringing in my ear. "Get out of the car!" My mind was repeating that phrase at such a fast speed. Adrenaline was pumping through my blood and I ran out into the road. I could see a car in flames and another car smashed in the front. My ears were still ringing but suddenly, I began to hear screaming. My first instinct was to run to the car. To my surprise, I did. As I got closer, the screams got louder. Something in me was telling my body not to get any closer. I fought those thoughts hard and finally reached the car. I opened the door to find two kids in the back. The parents were in the front with blood everywhere. The airbags had not deployed and I assumed that they had hit their heads too hard. I needed to save those kids. The kids were scared and the little girl wouldn't stop screaming. Her older brother was silent and in shock. I don't think he noticed me. I carried him out of the car and told the little girl I would come back for her. She just kept screaming but my mind must have been blocking out what she was saying. The cops and ambulance had arrived so I took the boy behind the caution tape they had set up. An officer grabbed the boy without hesitation.
"Mam. We can take it from here," he said.
I wasn't gonna just leave the girl behind. I promised I would go back for her.
"There's another child in the car! I promised I would go back to get her!"
The officer grabbed my arm and started to pull me away.
I wasn't gonna let him do that to me. "Go back for the girl!" My thoughts were running faster than before. My arm went flying through the officer's hand and I ran towards the car. I could still hear the little girl. I opened the door to find her reaching for her father who was in the seat in front. I finally could hear what she was screaming about.
"Daddy! No!"
All of a sudden, I fell into shock. My body began to shake. Tears started running down my face and my breathing was speeding up. What was happening to me? I had forgotten what I was doing and I collapsed onto the seat. My mind was remembering. I was passed out in front of the little girl and I was remembering the screams.

* * *

I was in the car with my brothers. At the time, my parents were separated. My mother was dropping us off with my father because it was his day with us. I was excited to see him. As he walked up to the car, my mother rolled down the window. I don't know what they were saying but my mother began to yell. I watched as anger grew on my father's face.
"Don't you fuckin' dare take my kids!" he said.
In that second, my mother began to drive away. I realized what had been happening and my chest was pounding. I wanted to cry but I remembered that I shouldn't. I looked at my brothers and they looked confused. "Don't do anything". I wanted to scream. No. I couldn't. But, I couldn't control myself. I began banging on the window.
"Daddy! No!"
Tears were running down my face and I couldn't stop them. My mother knew why I was crying but she was too upset to be sincere.
"Stop screaming! You're gonna scare your brothers!" she yelled.
As soon as I heard her say that, I remembered. I made it stop. The tears and screaming just stopped. How I did that and so fast? I have no idea. I was holding it in and my chest began hurting. My brothers don't need me to be worrying them. They won't understand what's going on. I became numb and weak.

* * *

That one memory had been awakened in my brain by the little girl's screaming. I woke up confused. I didn't want to remember that. I didn't want to remember that younger me that didn't allow herself to feel anything. I had a panic attack. It's been a long time since I had experienced one and it took all my energy. In waking up, I remembered what I was doing. I unbuckled her seatbelt and picked her up and out of the car. I started walking back but my body was too weak. I didn't let that stop me. I kept going and as soon as I reached the caution tape, several nurses came running my way. My face was pale and I was still shaking. They took her out of my hands and took her into the ambulance with her brother. Then everything went black and I collapsed. That one vivid memory was too much for my body.

*Let me know what y'all think! Should I keep going?*