What Almost Was and What May Be

Chapter Four: Worthless

Though everyone said that she was so strong. What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on.

It was 6:30 and Sebastian was watching Nina put the finishing touches on my face. I felt relaxed and ready for the night. Nothing nor anyone could possibly ruin the focus I had for tonight's performance. I hugged Nina goodbye and Sebastian escorted me to the black SUV that was parked in front of the hotel. I hopped in with a lot of pep in my step. Driving out onto the street seemed impossible for the driver. The fans decided that those few hours apart from me were done. I laughed as I saw all of them outside the window. Hearing them screaming my name and watching fans cry reminded me of how far I had come. I rolled down the window and told the driver to stop really quickly. I took some pictures with fans and signed some autographs. I was happy to see all of their smiling faces. Then, one little boy caught my attention. He was holding up a sign that said 'Kathy will you marry me?'. I laughed so hard and decided to get out of the car. I walked over to him where he was standing with his mother. I squatted down to get on eye-level with him.
"Hello, little one. What is your name?" I asked with a voice like honey.
"Jason.."
His little voice was so cute and I couldn't resist smiling. I pulled out my phone and asked if I could take a picture with him.
"Every wife needs a picture with her husband. Right, Jason?"
He turned red and kissed my cheek for the picture. I posted it on Instagram with the caption, 'My sweet husband gives the best kisses😍' . I looked at his mother and it seemed like she was about to cry. Something in me was telling me that there was a problem.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
She finally shed a tear and hugged me as a thank you.
"He comes home crying every day because everyone bullies him. He has a teacher that likes to pick on him as well. Seeing you today makes him so happy. He's only 7. He shouldn't be so sad. Thank you for coming out to talk to him. He needed it," she said trying not to choke.
Her words broke my heart and reminded me about my own childhood. I looked around at all the young faces watching me. I felt the need to say something to all of them. I took a deep breath and projected my voice as much as I could.
"K-Kats! I want you all to listen to me! Don't ever let anyone make you feel worthless! You are worth every moment that you live! The people that don't like you shouldn't matter! As long as you love yourself, everything will be okay! The love of your family is all you need sometimes! Don't let ANYONE tear you down! Nobody is worth your tears!"
I heard all of them cheer. I looked down at little Jason and opened my arms to hug him. I knew how worthless he was letting himself feel because of others. I held him tight and whispered in his ear.
"If someone ever tells you that they don't like you, I want you to tell them that I do. Okay?"
He hugged me tighter and I felt a tear stream down my face. I gave him a kiss on the head and he walked back to his mother. I got back in the SUV and waved at all of them as I drove by. Sebastian looked at me with admiration. I didn't notice it but then I felt his hand on my back.
"You looked like you knew how he felt.." he said trying to get me to open up to him.
I nodded my head with a smile. I'm not one to talk about my horrible past. The only person I can do that with is Eric but, he already knows all my stories. I suddenly felt the need to be near my best friend. I haven't seen him for a year. But, he wasn't here and I wouldn't share my stories with Sebastian. It's not that I didn't trust him or that we weren't close but I'm just wired that way. I closed my eyes for just a second and many thoughts decided to invade my mind. I remembered how I didn't have any friends until my second to last year of high school. I remembered coming home crying every day. It didn't help that my parents were separated but I couldn't change any of it. Another tear fell down my face and I thought about little Jason. My heart began to race as a vivid memory followed quickly after the many thoughts.

* * *
I was in the 9th grade. Everyone saw me as a loud and happy girl despite the fact that I didn't have any friends. I was a part of the school choir and had been since I first came to this school. I hated school for the simple reason that I felt like an outcast. Choir for high schoolers was not a class so we met after school on Wednesdays. Singing was the only thing that helped me through all the hell I had been experiencing. Four years. I should be happy in that choir, right? No. Not only was I bullied and did not have any friends, but this teacher had it out for me. I couldn't even open my mouth to sigh because she would accuse me of talking. She didn't let me audition for any solos. If she did, I could see the disgust on her face. My self esteem just lowered each and every day. I had been singing since I was a little girl but I began to doubt my abilities. There were so many moments where I felt like giving up on everything and just quitting. But I was determined and the songs we did made me forget about her cruel words.
It was a normal Wednesday rehearsal but today, she just wouldn't stop making me feel worthless. On the ride home I must have looked depressed because my father asked me what was wrong. He knew that I thought that the teacher hated me and I guess he was tired of hearing me complain.
"Why don't you just quit then if you're not happy?" he said trying not to make me feel worse.
I didn't answer him. I just stared out the window. But when I got home, the tears came streaming down. After a few years of not being able to handle the bullies anymore, something finally changed. I wasn't able to cry in front of anyone anymore. My mother returned home from work that night and began walking toward my door. It took less than a second for me to stop crying when I had heard her walking toward my room. I hadn't been able to do that before and I was perfectly capable of pretending that I had a normal day.

* * *

     I opened my eyes and felt my chest pounding. Since that day, I've never been able to cry in front of anyone. No matter how much I felt like crying, I couldn't. It's like my body was denying me the action.
     We were only 5 minutes away from Madison Square Garden. Another memory had just given me a small panic attack. I ignored the fact that my chest felt tight and I couldn't breath. I took small deep breaths to calm my body down. Once we arrived, I was rushed out of the car into the dressing room. The crew got me into my first outfit of the night and I was still taking deep breaths. Everyone was rushing me to do so many things before walking towards the entrance of the stage. I could hear fans screaming and I felt obligated to calm myself down. 1 minute till show time and I was getting weaker by the second.
"Sebastian!" I yelled in a hurry.
He came over within seconds and looked at me, waiting for a response.
"I need to start with slower songs today..."
I was speaking really slow and trying to keep my energy up. I'm sure Sebastian noticed how weak I was and worry covered his face.
"Do you just want to cancel? Kathy you don't look okay."
I shook my head no, got up from the stool I was sitting on, and grabbed it to use it while I did the first couple of songs. We walked to the stage and I continued to take deep breaths. The stage manager handed me my mic and gave me a thumbs up. The curtains went up and I put on such a fake smile. Walking out into all those lights did not help but I kept my smile on.
"Hello New York!"
I tried to sound excited and the fans seemed to think I was. They were cheering and I decided to let them know how I was feeling.
"It feels so good to be home! But I need to tell you guys something before I start this first song... So.. tonight, I'm gonna start off slow. As some of you may know, I was in the hospital recently and I'm currently still trying to recover. But, I wouldn't dare cancel a show and disappoint you guys. So will you help me sing until I get my energy back?"
They all yelled different things at the same time but I knew they were agreeing. I smiled and started my first song called 'Lost but Found'. I took a deep breath and began to sing. It was so hard and in the middle of the song, I just couldn't sing anymore. But, the fans continued singing for me.
"Lost but found. You turned my life around. How can I say that I love you without losing you?"
My heart was relieved to hear them sing my lyrics. This is what I've been wanting to do my whole life. My past wasn't going to ruin it. I smiled and looked at all of them. From the fans at the very top in the nose bleed section to the ones on the floor, I loved them all. I could feel their energy and it helped a lot. My energy began to rise again as the end of the song came around. I signaled them to make the venue quiet and they followed my instructions without hesitation. I started singing the last verse.
"Here I am. Once torn and weak. There was a day where I had sworn to never reach that peak. But, at last, I hold myself up with grace. I am lost but found. Only a smile on this face. "