What Almost Was and What May Be

Chapter Seven: Numb

Baby, I got me. The only friend I need.

     As the fans came and went, it became easier to distract myself from the name 'Gabby'. Taking pictures and signing autographs with them made me forget for those couple of hours. Their smiling faces when they saw me always reminded me about how much I impact their lives. This puts a lot of pressure on me to be a good role model but I don't mind. Through this light, I'm able to inspire and make people happy. That was and always will be my goal. It wasn't about the money or how famous I was, it was about the connection I made through my music with my fans. My whole life may not be a model to follow after but once I changed, I tried to be an amazing role model for everyone.
     When Meet and Greets were done, I was exhausted and just wanted to lay in a bed. I was driven to the hotel and crawled into bed as soon as I got into the hotel room. Falling asleep was easier than I had thought it would be, but the dream did not do me well.
     I dreamt about all the good times. I recalled all the jokes we made, the smiles that never went away, and the fun that endured. She was my best friend and I loved her like a sister. We did everything together and I was never sad when I was with her. We pretended to be mermaids in the pool. Being in choir together, we were always singing in harmony. It was a great 7 years together.
     Every fun memory ran through my head. There was the time we did a three way call with my (at the time) boyfriend and I was afraid she would kill him by making him laugh so much. She was turning her lights on and off. Everyone the light came back on, you would see a different face that she would make.
      All memories I had pushed away were being played like a movie. It was all the happy times that I wanted to forget just so I wouldn't miss her. Gabby. We were best friends throughout high school and I thought it would stay that way until we were old. We had always talked about what we would be like when we reached 60. All these beautiful memories were reminding me of how much I missed her. I never let myself miss her because of how she made me feel.

* * *

     I woke up the next morning in a sad hole. It wasn't enough to cause a panic attack but I could feel it hurting in my chest. I began sobbing like I did when we stopped talking. I'll never forget what she said to me and how much it killed me.
     To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I didn't expect it. Since I had no friends for most of my life, why did I expect to have a real one? Maybe I took it the wrong way, but what other way is there to see it? We had been fighting for a while.

* * *

     It was our senior year and we seemed to just be falling apart. Fights would arise over stupid things and I couldn't take it. The fighting was hurting me physically. I could feel my body reacting every time. I always made sure to just walk away. If I needed to cry, I went somewhere where no one would find me. Of course, I always pretended like I was fine just so she wouldn't notice. I'm not the type of person to make someone feel bad even if it was their fault. I didn't even let her know how I felt after she told me what she did. But, it killed me.
     Our last fight was the worst one. She finally admitted what I had feared. As my only true friend, it tore me apart to hear her say that she was only my friend because she felt bad for me. She said she felt obligated to be my friend because she knew I had none. She felt like I depended on her to be happy. Hearing all of that just made me feel like a burden. Was it 7 years of lies? She may have happened to enjoy time with me but it was all fake.

* * *

     Waking up from those memories only made me hate the fact that I missed her. I'd rather have had no friends at all than a pity friend. I never wanted anyone to feel bad for me. And, there was more to it than just fighting. The last semester of my senior just sucked. Every moment that was meant to be happy became hurtful. I didn't want to remember everything bad. I pushed it out of my head as soon as i was about to recall what else she had done. This is why I wanted to forget her name. This is why I wouldn't let myself remember. I was the girl who had a friend who was only my friend because she felt bad for me. She could never say she never meant it. Once it was said, it can't just be undone. The truth was revealed and I had to just move on. She can't just come back when she needs me. I don't exist for certain moments. Gabby didn't deserve a reply. I never depended on her.. I actually was dependent on Eric. I will always remember how much Eric has done for me.

* * *

     In my last two years of high school, I was in my "numb" stage. This was a stage I had never experienced. Eric would call it the "bitch" stage. It was the stage where leading guys on was my revenge for the amount of pain I had experienced in my past relationships. It was fun flirting just to see if I could actually get the right reaction.
     Eric started talking to me while I was going through that stage. At first, I wasn't interested in communicating with this new human. He would talk to me and I always answered with one word. I thought that eventually he would get the hint that I didn't want to talk to him. I was wrong. He continued talking to me and eventually I decided to make him one of my 'victims'. I flirted with him the most and he would flirt back. It was interesting because something was different with this guy. I realized that I enjoyed flirting with him and that set off an alarm in my head.
     The stage I was in was due to a lack of trust for humanity. This alarm now going off in my head was telling me to stay clear. I was in denial. I enjoyed the conversations I had with Eric. He made me laugh a lot and I began trusting him with my past. I started telling him about my life and I would tell him about the moments I felt weak. The guy I had thought to make my victim was changing me. He was breaking down my walls and that's why that alarm went off in my head. He had such a good heart and lots of wisdom. Trusting him was getting easier every day but my mending heart didn't want to let him in.
     We spoke every day about anything and everything. Then he said the words I never thought I would hear. Eric collected the courage to tell me his secret..