What Almost Was and What May Be

Chapter Three: Call Me Kathy

I dive into the future but I'm blinded by the sun. I'm reborn in every moment so who knows what I'll become.

I woke up from my sleep and my eyes took too long to adjust to the bright lights in the hospital room. My mother rushed to my side to hold my hand.
     "How are you feeling my little song bird?" she asked me with such a sweet tone of worry in her voice.
     My mother has not called me that for a long time but it always manages to make me smile.
     "I feel better"
     I felt a little weak but my head was clear. My heart was finally beating at a normal pace. I had forgotten what a panic attack was like and what it resulted in. It's been a few years since I stopped having panic attacks and anxiety. My father then walked into the room with some coffee for my mother. He saw that I was awake and walked over to kiss my forehead. Then, again, everyone's attention was turned to my phone.
     "Don't answer it!" my mother said.
     She knew it wouldn't be Eric but it would be my agent, Sebastian, calling. I picked it up anyway.
     "Sebastian?"
     "Kathy! Hey girl. I heard what happened. Are you okay?"
     "Yeah just a little bit tired."
     "Should I cancel today's show?"
     This was only my fourth day on tour. I didn't want to cancel anything. I loved what I do and I wouldn't dare disappoint the fans.
     "No! I'll be fine by tonight. Just need to take it slow right now. I can meet you at the hotel at 6:30"
     I looked at the time at the top of my phone screen. It was 3:52 PM. That gave me about two hours to get my energy back.
     "Okay. You're a brave girl. I've got to go and make sure the venue is perfect for tonight. See you soon," Sebastian said in a hurry.
     "See yah."
     I hung up the phone and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I needed to get some food and something to drink. I was starving. Apparently, my doctor had already signed the release papers but wanted to speak with me. He was with another patient so I had to wait a few minutes. My mom looked at me in disappointment.
     "You need to relax. You shouldn't do the show," she said rolling her eyes.
     "Mom. I'll be fine. Doing what I love to do will only make me feel better."
     My dad looked at her in agreement with what I had said. Not a moment later, the doctor walked in smiling.
     "Hi. Kathy. I just wanted to talk to you about the panic attacks. It seems that you've experienced these before but you seemed worried after having this one. I want to recommend therapy. Continued panic attacks like this can weaken the heart and cause even bigger problems. Looks like you know the reason for them so, maybe it's best to work through the problem that causes them. I can give you the name of the best therapist in town."
     I've heard the therapy speech before. I hated therapy. When I was a kid, I was taken out of class to have therapy sessions and it did nothing for me. The only one that can fix this is me. But, I didn't want to disrespect the doctor so I just smiled and nodded in agreement. He gave me a piece of paper with the name 'Kevin Saunders'.
     "Other than that, you're free to go. I hope you have a good concert tonight. My daughter is a huge fan. She'll be there tonight with my wife."
     "I'll be sure to say hi," I said giggling.
     He left the room and the nurse came in to take out the IV that was in my left arm. My mother grabbed my things and we walked out of there. I was a little wobbly but I knew I was gonna get to the hotel and relax in the bed. I didn't have to worry about anything for about 2 hours. The last hour I'll have to get my makeup done by my makeup artist, Nina. Then, Sebastian will meet me at 6:30.
     The drive was long but I was comfortable being driven around my hometown. New York City is busy and that gives me a sense of relief. I bought Subway on the way and my stomach finally stopped hurting. By the time I got to the hotel it was 4:33. I rushed to the room and jumped on the bed. Thank God there hadn't been fans waiting for me outside. They were usually blocking the walkway. I love my fans to death but today, I wouldn't be able to walk through a crowd like that.              Once I was comfortable in the bed, I decided to check my social media apps. As soon as I opened Twitter, I found out why there were no fans outside. They had all told each other to stay away so I could recover before the show. They were so respectful and that lifted my heart. I answered a couple of tweets and DMs, checked Facebook, and then shut my eyes.

* * *

     "Kat?"
     I opened my eyes and Nina was above me. That alerted me and I jolted up. I had over slept.
     "Nina! I'm so sorry!"
     "Nah! Don't worry. I know what happened to you. Let's just get started right now. We can still finish in time."
     I smiled. She was the sweetest person on my tour team. I loved her to death and I could talk to her about anything while I was in the 'special chair'. I sat in the chair and she laid me back to start on my eyes.
     "How you feeling now, Kat?"
     "A lot better! The dream I just had really relaxed me. It was about the first time I had people call me Kathy."
     Nina seemed intrigued.
     "Girl! I've always wondered why you have your fans and friends call you Kathy! Tell me the story!"
     I sat in that chair for the whole hour explaining the story behind my name. That was the day I let myself say goodbye to the heart broken Katherine Rodes.

* * *

     It was just a normal day in school. I was in math class minding my own business, when the other Katherine in my grade walked in late. I hated having the same name as another girl because I've always wanted to be my own person. This girl was the total opposite of me and she acted like she was the better Katherine. I was tired of her arrogance. All of a sudden, the name Kathy came into my head. I knew it wasn't original but no one else had the name in my grade. So, the rest of the day, I told people to start calling me Kathy. But, later in another class, someone claimed that everyone already addressed the other Katherine as Kathy. She heard that I had been telling  people to call me Kathy and started yelling at me.
     "We can't have the same nickname! I got it first!"
     We literally fought over who chose it first and people were just watching to see who would win. I don't know exactly how we settled it but, I won.
One of the boys who had left to use the restroom came back excited.
     "So who won?!"
I laughed and answered with such sass.
     "I did. Call me Kathy."
I fought to be Kathy. It meant a new me. I wasn't gonna let anyone take that strong version of me. Kathy Rodes was better than Katherine Rodes. From then on, I've always hated my real name. Only family and really close friends were allowed to call me Katherine. Kathy would change my life forever.