Tw:sexual assault, Tw: Homicidal thoughts
I hate you I hate you I hate you. I hate that you still to this day take so much away from me, I was 12 I was 12 I was 12! You took so much from me and I didn't even realize it at first. I hate that you make me despise myself when I wasn't the one who did something wrong. I hate that I loathe the feeling of my own skin and that I make myself feel physically sick just because I feel normal human feelings. I shouldn't cry because I feel turned on and want to do things with my girlfriend of over a year. I shouldn't be crying! But I am! I am crying because of your hands all over me and I feel gross. I feel so gross to the point where I feel bad that I ever let anyone touch me because I am so disgusting. Because of you. All of this is because of you and I hate you.
I feel bad for wishing I could kill you. That I could cut your pathetic body open and watch you bleed out and rip your veins one by one from your body and pull them out like fucking string and still you will never ever know the pain you've inflicted on me and my mind!!!! Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you and your friend and your brother. I wish I could hear you scream and yet they will never add up to the amount of times that I have under the expense of your wrong doings. I just hate you so fucking much..
I never did anything wrong.
So please explain to me why I am the one laying on the ground crying on the floor in my girlfriends bathroom while she's trying to talk to me through the door because I locked it and she can't come hug me because I think if someone touches me anymore I will throw up. She shouldn't have to deal with me. I wish I could make you feel as hopeless as I do. I wish you would think about suicide as often as I do. I wish I could just kill myself so this will be over and I won't have to ever feel like I can't breathe and have to run out of my girlfriends room ever again just because she asked me over and over if it was okay, unlike you did, she asked if she could do it, she had consent to put her fingers inside me unlike you did, but now because of you she has to deal with hearing me stop breathing. She has to deal with the look of panic clearly on my face. And she has to deal with me ignore her calls for me because I can't hear because I am screaming no over and over again and trying to find a safe place to hid because of you. Because you took so much away from me. You took normalcy from me. You took sex from me. You took my ability to love myself from me. You took a whole part of my life from me.
I hate you. And I have so many good reasons to hate you.
But the thing I hate the most is that somehow, I hate myself so much more than I have ever hated you.
And I hope one day you get exactly what you deserve.
