Goodbye. The Final Ending.

I can't lose anyone else.

There we all were, at the table eating dinner. I was feeding Mia some baby milk as Claire was on the other side barely touching her food. She just seemed to stare. Obviously earlier we had that little hugging session to let out anything, but after that she just went bland again. I didn't really know what to do. She did held Mia but then soon just put her down again. I tried to give her Mia again but she would just hold her under the armpits and not doing anything. Like she didn't want her or she wasn't bothered. 

Right as I just about finished feeding Mia her milk, a phone went off through the house. Claire still didn't move or fidget. I placed the tissue and bottle down on the table and stood myself up.

I followed where the sound was coming from; I walked up the stairs into Rachel's room. I couldn't see a phone so I had to search around. It was only until I lifted her pillow to see her phone laying upside down. It had been a while since I heard her phone ring as, well being honest not many people called her; well from what I knew of anyway as obviously we argued so we had time apart. 

I reached out my hand then picked up her phone. Luckily I knew her password so if I needed to get anything from her phone I could. Not anything personal just you know, say if I wanted to print off photos of us I could as she had most of them on her phone. 

Turning her phone around it was Cory. I didn't know that she had his number. I wanted to hang up as I didn't really like him. I mean yeah the decline button was right there but I clicked answer. I don't know if he knows, well obviously not as he wouldn't be calling from her phone, but I put the phone up against my ear. 

"Rachel OMG! Are you okay? You hadn't been at school and I came round earlier to see if you were alright as you weren't answering your phone but there were police! Rache..."

"Cory it's me."

"Josh?"

"Yeah. um.."

"Is Rachel there. Is she okay?!"

"No. She's not. Cory she's, dead..."

"What?..."

"I'm sorry. Stuff happened then she died in labour. It was a choice between her or the baby and I made a promise..."

"Her or the baby?! Why didn't you choose her!"

"I promised! Besides shit was happening and if I chose her she would've been so pissed off at me as well as having to worry about her life already!"

"We could've helped her!"

"You don't know what happened! You weren't there when she was giving birth and before that. You didn't have to watch her live in fear and scared where ever she went!"

"I was a friend! I wanted to help no matter wha!"

"You weren't there when she was fucking raped!"

Did I really just say that. I don't know if she wanted him to know. Fuck, what did I do? I mean he can't think differently about her, well he can but he can't treat her differently...

"I didn't think that actually happened. Shit, fuck"

"Cory I need to go. I'm sorry; I knew you were friends..."

"Wait Josh! What about the funeral?..."

Her funeral... With everything happening I hadn't even thought about it. My own girlfriends funeral completely over my head. I've never had to arrange it before. I've been to 2 funerals in my life. My family's... I think this is going to be the hardest one I've hard to deal with. Claire can't do it as she probably couldn't mentally handle it. 

"Her funeral. Um i'll have to arrange it later. Look I really need to go, Mia probably needs me."

"Mia?"

"Yeah. She had a girl."

I hung up the phone then placed it on the bedside table. Coming from downstairs I heard Mia crying. I wiped my face with my hands to calm myself down as well as wiped any tears that started to form. I then proceeded to walk downstairs to her. Claire was still siting there with her dinner layed out in front of her. None of it had been touched. The food, the cutlery nothing. I picked up Mia and put her resting on my chest, bouncing her up and down to try to quieten her. She wouldn't stop. Claire still stared. I mean I understand losing your daughter is fucking awful but, surely you would try to distract yourself.

"Claire?"

I called her name to see if she would reply or at least react. Nothing. Mia was still crying on my chest and wouldn't stop. 

"Clai?"

"Her nappy. Change it."

She still didn't move or flinch only spoke. I lifted Mia under her armpits then gave her a quick smell. She was right. It did need changing. I quickly placed her on the carpet in the living room and changed her. Turning around Claire was still fixed in position. I was beginning to get worried about her. 

Once her nappy was changed I changed her clothes into pj's then put her to bed as she was getting tired. I then decided to do the washing up. As I walked down the stairs then turned to the living room she still hadn't moved. I grabbed her plate and moved it to the side to then kneel down beside her. I put my hands on her hands that was put together. I was confused for words. How do you help someone that has been through trauma and is in shock? 

Putting her hand around mine I looked to witness nail marks across the back of her hand. She had even gone slight are enough to where she can draw blood. 

"Claire. Don't do this to yourself..."

She still hadn't moved or replied. I just sighed then kissed her hand placing it on my forehead looking down. I waited a while to overthink anything. I then put her hand back on the table and proceeded to clean. I didn't want Claire to overthink all of this. I knew that she needed time but I don't know if I'm capable of keeping an eye out for her. I'll try. No matter how hard it is i'll try; I can't lost anyone else. Not anymore.