Goodbye. The Final Ending.

Tan.

Jack and Anna soon left a short while after Cory. They helped out so much with Mia; I didn't even ask but they were there and I promise to help them back with what they need. Tan stayed longer after they left. Me and her sat in the living room for most of the time. Occasionally Mia would wake and one of us would sort her but i'm grateful for Tan as even though after everything that's happened and the fact Mia is my responsibility, most of the time she went to check her and feed her. Every  time Tan would walk in with the baby I could just imagine Rachel, walking down those stairs smiling beautifully at the creation of life in her arms. Not a moment goes by where I don't imagine Rachel in the room with me. I miss her more and more; but, she has her mum... I can't blame her, she lost everyone I mean yeah she had me and Mia but i'm not proper family, Mia was only there for a while until she left, she never had the time to connect after the loss of her own child Rachel... 

"Hey Josh, I think I better go soon, my mum is coming to pick me up and she said she would text me when she's outside."

"Yeah that's totally fine. You stayed longer than I could've asked for, I really appreciate it."

Tan came over to the sofa where I had been currently siting. She soon sat down next to me resting her head on my shoulder. She let out a large sigh while we both glared out in front of us. The room was silent; peaceful. There was barely a sound, just the small sounds of our breaths. 

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

She soon lifted up from my shoulder and crossed her legs on the sofa allowing her body to face towards me. She tucked her hair behind her ears then grabbed her sleeves of her jumper and pulled them down over her hands, just like Rachel did. 

"I don't know if this is too early to be saying this, I mean after everything but, with Ra... Rachel's funeral coming up and her mum's Claire, why don't you join them together in one. I'll help out with everything because I just can't imagine how you're feeling at this point in time but..."

"That sounds like a great idea. I'll have to call up the funeral arrangements tomorrow as it would be too late now." 

When she mentioned Rachel's name, all the thoughts that were scattered around my mind and vanished. I know that she's never going to come back but every time someone mentions her name or that she's gone or the funeral it hits me all over again,as if I'm only just finding out. I hate it but thats because i'm in love with her; even now. 

Tan soon noticed that I had sat there with that thinking look on my face which wasn't good.

"Hey. Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Thinking, I know you're thinking about Rachel and you're over thinking what's happened. It ain't good for you."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry."

"Don't be..."

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me holding me in for a hug. Her arms were gently rested on my shoulder as she held me. She rustled her fingers in my hair. She was gentle. 

"Thank you."

I whispered in her ear. I was grateful for all of the kind support that everyone has given me; but Cory? I don't know what was going on with him. He just reacted as if this all effected him, like Rachel dying was a massive problem for him because he seemed so obsessed with the fact I let her die to save Mia. Surly he would be happy that Mia is here? Not for Mia or for me but for Rachel because he was her best friend and he would've known how much Mia means to her so for me to let her go he must've known that it was hard for me too. But why, act like Rachel's death is a whole new other situation?

Soon after locked in a tight hug Tan soon lifted her self away from me. We were looking at each other in the eyes. She smiled so I smiled back until...

She lent in for a kiss. Her lips just touched mine as they were connected until I pulled away. I couldn't do it. I'm not in the right mind set I don't want to hurt her plus I don't know her super well. 

"Shit Josh. I'm so sorry."

She soon jumped off of the sofa and stood up with her hands on her forehead thinking about what just happened. 

"No, um,"

"Josh don't say anything. I shouldn't have done that. You've just lost people you don't know what you're thinking. "

"Rachel."

Shit. Fuck! 

"I mean Tan!..."

"Josh seriously. Just stop. I mean look. You just called me Rachel. Even though she's not here you're still in love with her; and, I;m not her... So please don't say anything. I don't want it to be like this..."

She looked at her phone as it vibrated in her pocket.

"My mum's outside."

She quickly went over to the kitchen counter grabbed her coat and walked over towards the door. I couldn't let her leave with it being like this. As her hand pressed against the door handle I stood myself up and faced towards her. 

"Tan."

She stopped and closed her and sighed before turning herself to look at me. She grabbed her coat tighter down the side of her body. We both waited for me to say something but at this moment so many things were going through my mine I didn't know what was good or bad to say, I mean I just called someone who kissed me the name of my dead girlfriend!...

At this moment she realised I had nothing to say. She let out another sigh and left. I stood there as the door shut behind her. Once again the house was silent, but now I could only hear my breathe. I stayed looking at the door. This is the first time I had been alone in this house. Again. I'm alone. This is why I can't be in a family because something always goes wrong; that's why I was never fully adopted. Until I met Rachel at school I knew something was gonna happen but never knew what. God was it too good to be true... 

What have I done. To think I kissed another girl and called her the name of the one I love. What'll happen now? I don't want to be left alone again. Not anymore, please.