Nope. Okay. Nope.
Not girl.
Not girl.
Boy.
B-O-Y.
I was able to spell "boy" before "girl".
When people would ask my gender. I would always write "boy" ah. How it use to make people mad. Please don't yell me at. Maybe this is why I tried so hard to keep my feelings secret.
A green notebook form 6th grade. My worst fear of anyone finding. The feelings of "boyness" greased on every page. Hiding my feelings. Barring all the feelings from deep within. No one can ever see that.
Then. It leaked through. I couldn't keep going by a name that wasn't mine. "Marry, how are you today? It's been so long!" People who say to me in the hallways. Silence falling over my mouth with but a smile to show I heard them. "I've been good." Lies.
Wanting to be called "Dan".
Until now. I felt like I looked the part. I was short and skinny. The perfect girlfriend to any guy. But. I wasn't a girlfriend. I avoid dating for until it wasn't "exactable" to be single unless you made a deal out of it. So, I told one of my friends (who was also single at the unelectable time) and we started to "date". By that I mean we'd text like we would normally and make up stores of kissing and why happened "last night". When I'd do anything around him and he not look twice at me people around would go, "that's your boyfriend and he lets you do that around him. He's a keeper." His name was Jack. He knew we weren't dating. But he'd hold my hand and kiss it and say "Yes. I am." Then give me the biggest, cutest puppy dog eyes ever.
But now. I didn't have to avoid dating. I was coming out. I like girls and I'm a guy. Just a guy in the wrong body.
