Tears of an Imperfect Angel

My birthday is June 6 so it well help you understand the story because Im sure it can get confusing!

2014 -18, 2013-17, 2012-16, 2011-15, 2010-14, 2009-13, 2008-12, 2007-11, 2006-10

MY BACKSTORY - THE MADNESS BEFORE THE ACTUAL MADNESS!

When I was 16 years old  (January-April) I had it all, the coolest social circle, the fabulous look, all the guys wanted me, but little did they know that behind of all the wigs, makeup, cool clothes I was emotionally scarred. Let alone did they know that this was only the beginning, they literally watched me from the top of my thrown to suddenly being thrown off and belittled as a peasant.

August of 2012  I asked the court system to take me out of my mom's house and they were all for it, even my mother. I had problems with my mother for years because of how absent she was during my childhood. I didnt feel like I had a mom. She partied her way all though her early 20's and by the time she was 30 or so she had my two brothers and realize she had to change to provide for all three of us. She went back to school which added to absency. I was used to atleast seeing her everyday after school to not seeing her at all. It was all so new to me. I felt alone with my brothers and the drunken babysitter. The babysitter was a man I knew all my life, he practically raised me and always rubbed in my mom's face after arguements because he also felt she wasnt in our lives.

My mom was putting men before me and didnt even recognize it. I had no respect for any man she'd claimed as my stepdad because it was a new one all the time. I remember well enough when I was home and she brung a man home and had sex with him. I couldnt hear much but at that age I knew what they were doing. I was 12 years old not 5. But when she got married in 2008 (by the time I was 13 or so) and  I was not happy. He was kinda cool but I never let my gaurd down.  Especially when he had the nerve to touch me on my breast. I was 15 years old and I will never forget this. Would be sitting around eachother and he would just do it. And I'd be all confused. I then kept my distance not paying any mind to it until he would drive me to school and he would reach over and touch my breast in the car. I was really uncomfortable and I didnt know how to act except push him off. I pretty much felt like I was an innocent little girl all over again. But again, I swept it under the rug and I refuse to let it resurface.

Now I dont tell people much about this situation because they always want to get the police involved but I was raped and molested from about ages 6-12 by 3 different guys I grew up with. Both teenagers at the time would take advantage of me and my innocence. When my mom finally started working as night me and my siblings had to get up early in the morning (who knows what time it was, the sun wasnt out) and walk to the neighbor's house where we'd stay until she got off work. The neighbor's older sons would touch me innapropriately and try to have intercourse with me. One took it easy on me but the other was an animal. I dont know what made him always wanna bother me. I was so little. I dont remember exactly everything he did but I know for sure it happen. Its sad as hell because years later I was talking to my brother and he said to me "He stuck his weewee in my butt." and I honestly wanted to laugh but I was mad as hell to because he thought it was me. I didnt bring it up I let it go.

The third guy was the son of another close neighbor/friend to family. My family got evicted from our apartment when I was about 11 years old. We packed up and moved to Cuthbert, Georgia and stayed with my great grandmother. My mom eventually was able to buy a decent house in the area. Around the time, one of my brother's mental health issues kicked in. He became violent and easily triggered. There was a trailier park down the street and practically everyone hated us in there because of my brother. We basically got ran out of town. Thats what it felt like. So we left our house in Georgia and moved back to DC and stayed with my neighbor. And her son would also take full advantage me. Me and siblings slept on her floor and in the middle of the night he would sneak near and try things. Sometime trying to take me in the back room with him. He threaten to tell our moms if I didnt give into to him - therefore I gave into him. But one night I had the courage to resists and he really did tell his mom. I was mad as hell! His mom pulled me to the side angry saying "Why are you messing with him, he is a teenager. Youre a little girl, stay in a child's place." and my mom overheard adding on with "What the hell is wrong with you, Wanda?" and of course I didnt say anything. I didnt know what to say. All I knew was that I was innocent and I didnt deserve it.

I've certainly had my ups and down, I was forced into the mental hospitals since I was 14 years old and drugged up. I was diagnosed with mood disorder because I would be depressed and distant all the time. My mother and I's relationship got so explosive to where she was calling the police on me everyday damn near. And of course I had no choice but to surrender, be put in handcuffs, stuffed in a backseat of a patrol car and off to the pysch ward.

But in August of 2012 I got extremely fed up. I found myself almost physically fighting my mom because I felt so hurt. She brainwashed everyone into thinking I was such a bad kid. I had no respect for her. She called the police on me and they locked me, I got a simple assult charge against my mom after the fight we got in. I was sent to a juvenile detention center rather than a pysch ward for an over night visit because I had court the next morning. I was shackled all the way there, even in court, I think, I still had the shackles on. I didnt see it but everyone was on my side. My memory is so burnt out now and i literally dont remember what happened next. I remember court and seeing my mom.

Eventually they put in an amazing group home for two weeks, I really liked it there. I had cool roomates, nice staff (most of them) and there was people there I knew (I was in the system awhile lmao). When I got there for the first time this one woman (who I see occasionally nowadays) and she did my intake for us. But it was then I began to hate my mother even more. I found out that she cancelled my services with my favourite social worker. It was bad enough I didnt want the damn services when I get paired up with someone I actually like she gets taken away. I was crushed. My mother said she ended my service with my social worker because she felt like she was always taking my side. From my standpoint, I felt good to know that someone actually listens to me and try understand rather than locking me up. To my mother, if they dont take her side she dont know where they got their degress from or who hired them because she think they cant do their job if theyre not believing her.

At my second court hearing we all agreed that I wasnt ready to go home so the group home allowed me to spend 3 more weeks. After that they let me go home and I was put on probation. They put me in a Juvenile Diversion Program. In that program, if you follow the guidelines in place for you they drop your charge. I had to see my Probation Officer every week and I had to follow probation guidelines set up for me. I had to go to school, be in the house at a certain time, etc.  I got a new social worker and I managed to like her too. She came to my house for a family meeting and as soon as she said she likes house music I liked her immediately. I tend to work better with people if we had the same interests. So automatically we hit it off great. She has a cable attached to her car and I would attach my mp3 player and we would enjoy my music together.  Eventually we were looking for Independent living/transitional housing and we found one online. We utalized the fact that Im bisexual to apply for an LGBT Independent Living program. Within a few weeks we were going to meetings to see if I qualify for the house. I qualified and eventually I was in the home on January 31, 2013.