Broken Bottles

Rue - 1st September

Usually I'm a morning person, but today I just can't get out of bed. It seems like after today, everything will have changed, and I can't help the panic bubbling inside of me as I think of starting Uni all by myself in another part of the country.

What if no one likes me? What if I burn my flat down? What if I get drugged?

I know a lot of people are often excited by the freedom Uni gives, and the new people you can meet. It's not as though where I live is very diverse - the only asian kid is Hamida - but part of me likes the fact that our community is so close knit and comfortable. I still want to see the world, and experience new things but I never thought that I would have to like this, I never knew that I would have to go out by myself. 

Eventually, I manage to crawl out of bed and step under the warm spray of the shower. Immediately, I feel myself relaxing, but as soon as that feeling sets in a new wave of nausea rushes over me and I just have to get out.
Is it normal to be this worried?

Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe going to Uni will force me to get out of this shell I've built around myself here. I know that I've been holding myself back around my friends, constantly unsure of how to act so maybe if I go to Uni I'll be more confident with myself, more confident with who I am... Nowadays I can barely look at myself in the mirror. Every time I catch my green eyes in my reflection, or look at my cropped brown hair I feel disgusted, embarrassed and immensely guilty.

I like girls. The fact became apparent to me earlier this year, and ever since then the panic and fear inside of me has grown and grown until I can't look at another girl for too long until my face turns bright red. I like girls, but not just girls, one girl in particular, and it really is quite hard to sort things out with her when I have a boyfriend.

I know that I'm being cowardly, and unfair to both of them by keeping up this charade, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm not the kind of person who can just break up with someone, and then date our mutual friend. I just... I'm so confused. 

In that sense I'm kind of hoping Uni will take care of things for me. Long distance relationships never work, and with Pete doing his apprenticeship in the city... hopefully the universe can help me out with this issue.

Pete. Sometimes I just lay awake wondering why on earth I started dating him. It can't have been his personality, which is boring if I'm honest, or the sex - we've only done it once and  god do I regret it - even his face isn't that attractive. Sure, he has a nice... nose and his eyes are a wonderful grey colour, but to be honest he was never my type and I don't think we could ever be anything more that what we are now. Mainly, because I like girls.

I think it's just because everyone expected us to date. We were both part of the history and french society - oh my god, I was such a nerd - and took all of the same subjects when it came to exams. Still, I know I shouldn't have let Alexa push me towards him, but I do trust her. Alex is my oldest friend.

She's the one who brought him into our group, although he claims he's only there because of me. I still don't understand why he even went for me though - Alexa is gorgeous and smart but for some reason, all the intelligent boys steer clear and let the mindless jocks waste her time. I'd feel bad for her, but then again, her sex life is probably better than mine and she isn't complaining so...

Now Hamida. She was brought into the group by me alone and even though recently things have been a bit... awkward, I do love having her as a friend. She was new to the school, and despite the fact that she was utterly gorgeous with caramel skin and warm brown eyes, she was ignored. I'm not stupid, I know that a lot of people at our school hadn't seen an asian person before, and were still getting over Neil - a black boy who had joined in Year Nine - but for some reason I just couldn't stay away from her. It didn't help when in English, she scooped her sleek, black hair into a messy bun and started reading the most saucy, erotic poem I have ever heard. I felt dirty just listening, but after then people started to take more notice of her, and I knew that if I didn't step forward and take her, someone else would.

"Hi!" I had said, cheerily, and I probably gave one of my classic awkward grins as well. I remember how she had given me a once over, as if she wanted me to know she was judging me, and then flashed a grin which confused the hell out of me for a few months.

"Hey."
"How are you finding school? I'm Rue, by the way."
"It's really different from my old one, but I guess it's okay. I'm Hamida."
"H...hamee. Sorry..."
"It's fine, just call me H!"

With that she shook my hand, and I knew that we would become close as the year drew to a close. She was just so confident, she made me feel confident too. I didn't know how close we would grow to be though. Nothing could've prepared me for it, but even if I knew, I still would've talked to her, I don't know who I'd be if I didn't.