Concepts of Change

VI

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this story but we'll see... 

8 May 1999

Sometimes I wonder what my parents were like, I wonder how I got to be where I was in the world, I wonder about every little thing that makes me who I am and imagine those traits on my own mother and father. Maybe one of them was a princess or had magical abilities. But there was no point in wondering anything anymore when I had excellent people at my own disposal who might be able to give me information on what I wanted to know.

"Can you not wonder about your parents please?" Jame's voice rang loud in my head.

"it's not up to you about what I wonder. But I need to tell you something." I wanted him to know something.

"Anything Sam."

"You make me smile more than you could ever know. You make me want to jump out of my skin and turn into a different person. But I'm broken, and you know that. There is nothing that can be done to fix me. I'm splitting into different personas and I can't help but think that in one of them I could be with you. But it can't end this way. I need your help more than ever now because I need to know about who I really am, and I think the only place I can find that out is here." I finished with my eyes beginning to tear. I had to stop, otherwise my entire soul could be poured out to him.

"Is that all you have to say?" James had inched close towards me.

"Not really, bu-" I was cut off by his lips pressing against mine. And the part that made me wonder was the fact that I didn't push away from him.

I'm not quite sure what was suppose to happen after that so I just walked away from him, but to my disappointment I was chased down the main street of Storybrooke.

"Samantha, you need to stop running away from me. I never get the chance to tell you how I feel." James grabbed my wrist and stopped me. Surprisingly I was crying.

"Please stop crying. You make things out to be worse than they are, ok? Life isn't as shitty as you think and I'm just trying to help you see that. I wouldn't keep chasing you if I didn't," James fell short of breath. This was going to be hard for him to say, but even harder for me to hear.

"If you didn't love me?" My head was down but he lifted it to look into his piercing green eyes.

"If I didn't love you. But that's not what I wanted to say."

I could feel my skin begin to crawl at the thought of what he could say to me.

"You make me feel something that I've never felt before. At times, it's a good feeling but at others, it's just terrible. I hate the feeling that you can give me. Most of the time it's envy but I wouldn't have to be envious of anything if you would just stay by my side. I know you better than you know yourself and Oliver isn't coming back to you. You can wish for that or for your parents or for anything you want but I'm sorry to be the one to say to you that wishes don't come true. That's why they're called wishes. It's something you want so badly that you have to keep believing it. Something I believed was that it would get better, your powers. But they didn't. They kept getting worse the more you got stressed, and it pains me everyday to see you like this. You can try and tell me what's going on in your head but I know it's something along the lines of 'James is being a pain in the ass but I still love him; why is everything going wrong for me; am I good enough for anyone.'" I raised my palm to tell him to stop but I was the one that got stopped.

"You want me to stop because you know I'm right. And your 'big secret'; there have been so many times I wanted to tell someone about how the girl I love could've done something like that but I didn't." Right at that moment, Killian had come up behind James and pulled his shoulders around to face him.

"Look, I think you should leave her alone for a little while. Let both of you calm down." His words were spoken softly. And as those words left his mouth I doubled over in pain. My stomach was eating at its insides. The pain became too hard for me to handle and I was kissing the pavement in no time. The last words I heard came out of Jame's mouth.