Concepts of Change

III

1 May 1999

"Rise and shine, sunshine." The thought of someone being as happy as Oli was in the morning was frightening.

The fire that was heating our souls last night was now out. The fuel that heated the night. The fuel that made us crazy last night. I didn't want to pretend that last night didn't happen. It wasn't as if it was bad anyway, in the sense of what happened. It was the first time in my life that it felt like someone other James had cared for me.He was the only other person who possibly fear for my safety more than their own. I didn't like that this was true. Nobody should put someone else's life before their own.

"You woke me up." I mumbled, pretending that I wasn't already awake.

"Coffee? Breakfast? Anything?" He jumped off the floor and held out his hand to help me up. I accepted his offer and rose to my feet also.

"Oh, and someone rang your phone this morning while you were asleep. A duck? Cute." He continued. Who would want to reach me? After all, there was only 4 contacts in my phone.

"Thanks for letting me know." He handed me my phone as I spoke. Our hands touched only slightly as he passed my phone to me. I could feel the electricity. It's not what I thought it would feel like.

When I looked down at my phone screen, i saw that the missed call was from James. It broke my heart. I called him back anyway. He owed me that much. To hear my voice and immediately know how broken I had become. He would have to know. There isn't a way that he wouldn't know, not when we've known each other for ever; or something that feels that long.

I was listening to the phone ring when I was thinking about what to say to James. Before my mind could even register any thoughts, I heard his voice.

"Sam, you there?" HIs voice was already echoing in my head. The thought of another moment without him seemed like torture. The past few days were hard; Now I've gone and ruined something that could have been great.

I decided that I needed to be blunt about having to talk to him.

"Why did you call me?"

"Are you ok Sam? I got so worried when you ran out of the room without me. You were there one second then gone the next." I didn't want to have this talk with him.

"Hey, do you want a shower? I'm gonna get in if you don't want one." Oli asked me.

"Who's that? Are you with someone? That must mean you're ok." James wasn't ending this conversation without a fight.

"I'm fine. If there isn't an actual point to this conversation then I'm hanging up."

"Sam, I miss you. I'm coming to get you."

"Don't you dare come to me. How could you after you left me? I had no other option but to leave you behind, leave my whole life behind. Don't act like you're the one was hurt because it wasn't you" There was so much more that I could say to him. I would rather say it in person, but the pain of seeing his face once more wasn't worth it. There would be nothing left of me. Less than there already is.

"Sam, just hear me out." I had cut off his voice because at this point I was already crying and I couldn't stand hearing his voice any longer. It was awful to know that his voice killed me. I was then left with the phone to my ear, listening the dull tone of the ended call.

———————————————————————————————————————————

"I want to take you shopping, get you some new clothes." Oliver was talking to me as I was getting dressed back into my ratty clothing.

"You really don't have to do that. I'm fine with what I have." I didn't want him spending money on me. He only just met me. He's been so kind. More than anyone that I've ever known has been to me.

I wanted to leave before he had the chance to take me shopping. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. This was a common state of mine. Not many people other than James had seen it. My life plan was to keep it that way. I didn't like having other people giving me things or wanting a good conversation.

Despite my unwillingness, Oliver took me out to get new clothes anyway. We ate at the same cafe we had the day earlier, and I was tapped on the shoulder. The voice had started speaking before I turned around and it was no one else but James standing behind me.

"I knew I'd find you. I always do." James' voice had deepened, as if he had aged over the course of a few days.

"I didn't want you to find me. I never do." My reply was short and sharp. I noticed Oliver beginning to fidget and he was becoming uncomfortable, much like myself.

"I'm sure that's a lie. Who's your new friend you've got here? Looks like a good man." James held out his hand to shake Oli's, but he didn't reach to accept it. All Oli did was get up and walk away.

"Get away from me James. I would ask you how you found me but the chances are I don't really care. And as much as I am enjoying this conversation, I have to leave." As I spoke my last word to James and stood, I knew that he would come back into my life somehow. I didn't want that either.

"Who was he?" Oliver asked me worriedly as he followed me out to the street.

"No one of concern to us." My reply was harsh. I wanted to run. Far away from everyone and everything. I knew I couldn't. People would come after me. People would want to know where I had come from. I grabbed his hand and we walked to the end of the road where the car was parked.

"Sam, you need to stop lying to me. I know that it was someone who could have meant a lot to you before, he might still mean a lot to you; but you don't need to send him away because you're sitting with me. You need to have some connection to your past, even if you don't want to. Life isn't as bad as it seems." I didn't want to have to sit in his car listening to his words, thinking that James still meant something to me. He clearly didn't; or at least I didn't want him to mean anything to me. 

A/N - Could someone just let me know if you guys are liking it? Or even reading it...