Concepts of Change

IV

4 May 1999

'She was broken. There was nothing that could have been done to fix her. Her soul became halved sooner than thought. This wasn't the way it was supposed to end. She knew there was something else out there for her, she just didn't know what.'

I was writing; something that I loved to do to help clear my head. Oliver appeared over the top of the screen with some coffee. He was literally a saviour.

"Almost time for me to look at it? You've been writing for days." There was an exaggeration on days. It had been 7 hours.

"My plan wasn't for you to look at it. I already know that it is going to be terrible. Wait until I'm finished the anger writing and the good stuff comes out. I tend to write about life experiences when I'm not so tense." I'm sick of lying.

'I tried so hard not to care. Sometimes your heart takes over and there is nothing left for you to do but think about what would of happened if you didn't care. Would I be alive? Would I think about how much I could change myself to be more pleasing to you? Would I still want to be the person you wanted me to be? The answer is probably not. There was no point if you were just going to leave me the way you did. If I had known, the amount of effort I had put in would have been less.'

I tried my hardest not to cry. I could feel the fire in my head burn through to my fingers which were striking the keys of the computer. I knew Oli couldn't resist reading over my shoulder. I felt his hand rest on my shoulder, full of sorrow. This is not how I wanted to spend my time; If I could, it would be at the beach, where I couldn't be hurt by anyone or hurt anyone myself. I still hadn't told him what I had done. I was too afraid of what he would do. I had too much faith in him, that he wouldn't turn me in. That he would want to stay with me, that he would stick by me.

"Positive thoughts hey? It's good, keep going." The comment was all I needed. I was hungry.

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For Lunch, we had cooked up our usual ham and cheese toasties. They were gooey on the inside because of the cheese and that's the way we liked it. We had something that clicked in both of us those few days we were together. It was perfect, like something had to go wrong. And maybe it, maybe it didn't. The days that would follow, I wouldn't know what was going to happen; But I know that it would all be a large blur. I was too caught up in previous moments that I couldn't concentrate on what was ahead of me. At least, that's what I had thought.

Before I knew it, Oliver had me up and rushing me out the door into the foggy, but warm air of the Californian afternoon. The sun was heating up the ground that I was running on because of how fast Oli had to get me out of his house. It frightened me to think about how much I could have hurt him, but I just kept running, with everything I got. Until time slowed down. I was still running as fast as I could, but everyone else around me had stopped. Not again, i though to myself. I turned around to see where Oli was, but he was no where to be seen. One more bad thing. As I turned myself back around, James was in front of me.

"I really don't have time for this James."

"Looks to me as though we have all the time in the world." James was normally like this. A smart ass.

"Look, It's honesty time."

I continued with weary eyes

"I needed you there because you are the person that made me normal. I felt sane instead of crazy, and the voice in my head that sounded like you wasn't a voice at all, cause you were actually there. But to my disappointment, the voice in my head doesn't say the same things that you do. Your words are nicer in my head because I'm so hung up on the person that I want you to be, rather than the person you actually are. Now that I am so far away from being the girl you want me to be, if there was something that I could do for you to want me, you should tell me. Because there would be nothing else in the world that I would rather want. But you don't want me, and will not ever, just tell me before it's too late. Because I would rather not be broken if I don't have to be."

I turned around and time around me continued. As if the conversation between James and I had never happened.