Hidden

II. Late

They wound up in a bar that night, downing drink after drink. It was a long day, and their minds were going into overdrive. It was one of those times when neither of them could talk - because the very thing troubling them is one another.

For Aga, it was the non-stop kicking in the gut he felt - which accompanied the constant realisation that a life with Lea was just a figment of his imagination. It was something that was no longer a possibility.

But for Lea, it was the realisation that the feelings she had painstakingly hidden for many years, were resurfacing again.

"Cheers!" He said, laughing at a joke he cracked, which wasn't particularly funny.

No one was in a celebratory mood that night.

(Aga)

I'm always late - late to get the girl of my dreams. From the start, I knew that the girl is Lea. She is the one I dream of waking up next to each morning. She is the one I imagine spending the rest of my life with. She is the one I know can give me a lifetime of happiness.

But can I do the same? Can I give her a lifetime of happiness? Can I promise her that?

I don't know. And that's why I kept putting it off. I pushed these thoughts to the side, not wanting to face them. But deep in my heart, I thought I wasn't worthy of her. She is Lea Salonga for Pete's sake. Who am I?

I was afraid of my own answers to those questions - I didn't want to tell myself that Lea is the one I can only dream of, and cannot have.

Then came the fateful day when she had to leave to New York for Flower Drum Song. I knew that it was important for her, and for her career. She was finally going back to Broadway, where her talent and heart belongs. I knew that I should be happy for her and wish her all the best. But my heart - the part of me that has never been rational - felt otherwise. I had this feeling - this nagging feeling that told me, once she's gone, she isn't going to come back.

How right I was.

I should never have let her leave. I should have gone with her to New York when she left to do the show. She asked me. I told her to go first, and I'll join her in a while. It didn't happen. I couldn't get away.

With me, "I'll be a little late" is never a certainty.

(Lea)

The one thing that I've learnt about Aga, is that with him, "I'll be a little late" is never a guarantee. "I'll be a little late" may mean "I may not show up". I never know what is going to happen.

I still remember that once, he asked me out for dinner, and ended up being really late - stuck in traffic. He called me thirty minutes after the time we agreed to meet, telling me that he might need another hour owing to bad traffic. I told him that it was okay, and I was stuck in massive traffic too. "Take your time," I said.

The truth is, I was already there. I was in fact, thirty minutes early. I never liked to be late, and even with Aga, it was no exception. I didn't want to let him wait, just in case he was early; or on time.

Not wanting him to feel guilty, I wandered around, stopping at a café to wait for him while sipping a cup of hot tea. An hour later, he called me to say that he would be reaching in five minutes. I made my way out, taking my time such that I'd be the one late instead of him.

Because not long ago, this is what he told me, "Lea, you know what? I feel useless every time I have to make you wait. It may sound chauvinistic to you, but I should never make a girl wait. Especially when the girl is you."

I've always wondered, what did he actually mean?