So a week has gone by, I have my counselling today, It’s gonna be hard, They ask me all these things, like why do I do the things to myself, what makes me do them? And such and how I can help myself and set goals to stop, its not that easy, nothing ever is, My brother knows everything about me, well almost everything, He doesn’t know about my eating disorder, and that he shall never know about, thats ,my secret, everyone has to keep atleast one secret to themselves, and for me, thats it, I look at myself in the mirror to see if I look acceptable to go out, I have a tiny bit of liquid eye liner on, mascara, and pale foundation and Vaseline on my dry chapped lips, I have my long blonde hair in a straight pony tail, I have my black all time low top on with my black skinny jeans with my red vans and my black jacket, I look okay to go out for my counselling I guess, my skinny figure is starting to show through now, everything is becoming too big on me and is hanging, my collar bones are almost sticking out, my arms and legs are becoming just skin and bone, my ribs are starting to stick out, and my face just looks tired, I walk down the stairs to see my mum stood waiting for me at the door.
“You all ready honey?” my mum questions
“Yeah, wheres Chris?”
“good, and he’s gone to your dads to go and see Jack, they’re both going out partying tonight” My mum smiles at me whilst opening the door, I walk out towards the car I go round to the passenger side and get in, my mum locks up the house and comes round and gets into the drivers side, we both do our seat belts and set off to the doctors where my psychiatrist is, the car ride is quiet, no one is talking, the radio is on quietly my mum knows I don’t feel very comfortable talking to her about my problems so she just doesn’t ask, We arrive at the doctors I get out whilst my mum goes to Asda to do the shopping, I’m big enough to talk to the psychiatrist myself, my mum would be too involved otherwise, I walk in, sign myself in and sit in a chair until its time for my appointment, it feels like everyones looking at me, like it makes me feel so uncomfortable.
“Alysa, hey follow me” My psychiatrist calls me, I follow her to her room
“How have you been since last week?” She asks with a smile on her face, how can you always be so positive?
“I’ve been... great, you?” I ask faking a smile
“Alysa thats great! And yeah i’ve been good! So what did you do last week? How was college?” she asks more questions.
“Good! And well lying is bad isn’t it so i’m not going to lie, I haven’t attended college since last week, I couldn’t go, it scared me, the thought of being around people, they always judge me!” I say quickly
“Alysa, you need to attend, if you don’t attend you want get what you’ve been working for at the end of it, think about your future! You want to be a police woman don’t you?” She smiles yet again
“I don’t see my future, its blank!” I say without thinking,
“Alysa?” She questions
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that!” I panic
“Do you want to talk about it?” She questions
“No, I want to go home” I look to the floor feeling ashamed, I was starting to trust this woman, now i’ve ruined it
“We need to talk about it, if you’re thinking like that, you need to talk about it!” she says sounding all supportive
“Thinking like what?” I question
“Suicidal, Alysa me and my team are here to help you. You have to learn to trust us, You have to open up to us, Tell us whats on your mind, what you think about!” She says looking into my eyes.
“Everything was going so fine until this all happened, until I became all this im a mess and I cant get out of my own troubles!” I say a tear rolling down my cheek
“Do you have it planned?” she questions again handing me tissues
“Yeah, I have everything planned” I answer honestly
“Do you want to tell me how you’re going to do it?” She looks into my eyes again
“Overdose” I say looking straight into her eyes
“Alysa thats not the way to end it, you want to live to grow old, have a family” she says positively!
“I can’t see it, my life is full of misery and pain, and it needs to end, I can’t live being afraid and lonely! I just can’t!” I feel more tears coming along! “I just want a friend!”
“Alysa! I understand, but thats not the way to end your life, please just listen to me, you have to understand okay, you’re young and you’re gorgeous! Please just don’t end it!”She pulls me in for a hug and for a moment i feel safe, I feel so safe in her hug I forget about my worries for a moment!
“Thank you! Can I go home now?” I ask putting a smile on my face
“Only if you promise me one thing!” She smiles at me
“Okay, what is it?” I look at her again
“Don’t do that overdose, you have an amazing future, trust me! I was like you when I was your age, and I came this far, so you can come far! I promise you, just go home and sleep yeah! See you next week!” Shes such a happy person so positive!
“I won’t thank you Jane, today made me realise!”I walked out the doctors my mums car was already there, I got in and did my seatbelt up.
“I love you mum!” I kissed her on the cheek
“I love you too baby girl!” My mum looks asif she has tears in her eyes, I’ve not felt positive in a long time, I get my phone out and text Jack And Chris ‘I love you guys! Todays a good day!’ me and mum talk about what to do tonight as its just us in the house, movie night just cuddle and talk aswel, I miss all this!
