A Girl Named Kieran

Chapter 1: Hold Back the River

I toss and turn in my sleep, the covers wrapping around my legs violently. My hair falls into my face and tickles my cheeks, causing my eyes to squint shut.

I can't breathe. I'm choking, or maybe I'm drowning. My lungs forcefully inhale and expand quickly, begging for air. My hands grasp at my throat, pleading for release.

Words swing around my head. Broken. Desperate. Helpless. Hopeless.

The words smack me in the face, they claw at my arms. They leave bruises and scratches everywhere they touch. I try to swat them away, to cover myself from them as they bite at my skin.

My throat clenches as I attempt to call for help. I feel my heartbeat slow, and the world spins. Is this how it ends? The words continue to swirl in the air around me, attacking me until I hear my own voice in my ears. 

"Help." echoes in my ears but the word sounds strange and distorted.

I wake with a gasp, quickly untangling myself from the sheets. I draw a few deep breaths and allow myself to sniffle. My eyes sting, my chest heaves, and my head pounds. I brush a few sticky pieces of hair off of my wet cheeks and sit up.

"It was just a nightmare. Just another nightmare." I whisper quietly to myself.

I get up and tiptoe to the door, slowly turning the handle. I walk on the balls of my feet and walk gently down the stairs, skipping the squeaky step at the bottom. 

I make it to the bathroom downstairs and close the door, listening for the satisfying click of the hinges as I lock it behind me. I turn on the sink water to drown out any excess sound I might make.

I wash the clumps of mascara from my cheeks and run a brush through my knotted hair; staring at my reflection in the dirty mirror. I dry my face with a dingy towel and turn off the water.

I look down at the cigarettes that line the sink, and I bite my lip as I sweep them into the trash can. The entire bathroom smells like a mixture of whiskey, vomit, and cheap perfume.

I pull my hair into a messy bun and quickly make my way back upstairs, locking the door to my bedroom behind me.

I sit down on the faded stool in front of my desk and mirror and let out a sigh. I stare at myself in the mirror as I apply foundation, mascara, and blush.

"Hello." I whisper to the girl in the mirror, "You're very pretty."

I allow myself to smile for a second, but then quickly look away as the smile fades.

"Pathetic. What girl still talks to herself at this age? Grow up." I huff. 

'Isn't that what he's always telling me to do anyway?'

I shake my head, getting up and getting ready. I pack my dance bag and grab my pointe shoes, immediately finding comfort in the silk and the familiarity of their weight in my hand. I take a deep breath. 

'Today will be better.'

I hold my hand on the door handle for a second, ear pressed against the door. I open the door quietly and head downstairs quickly. I stop at the bottom and look left. The kitchen smells of alcohol. 

'What's new?'

Beer bottles and empty cigarette cartons litter the counter and table. Pieces of broken glass scatter on the floor. A stale and sour smell drifts through the air.

I look to my right. Lights flicker over the small living room from the static on the TV. My dad lays on the couch, which is an old and ugly green color. He's hungover, or possibly still drunk, based on the beer cans that lay around him.

I look away from him and pull my bookbag onto my shoulder. I reach for the door, but the handle jams. I pull on it hard and my bookbag goes crashing to the floor with the thud of heavy textbooks against wood. I draw in a breath.

"What the hell, Kieran? How damn hard is it for you to keep quiet for once?" He grumbles, and I hear him rise from the couch. He leans over with his head between his hands.

"I'm, I'm just going to school. I'll see you when I get home." I stutter, but he doesn't look up.

"Whatever." He groans and I rush out the door, closing it gently behind me.

I stop on the front porch, calming my heartbeat that has subconsciously sped up. I put my earbuds in my ears and turn the volume up. No one at the bus stop talks to me, but they all glance my way often. I tuck a few stray pieces of hair behind my ears and focus on the beat of my music until I see the bus turning around the corner.

It stops right in front of me and I get on first, sitting down right in the middle. I watch at each stop as more and more people pile on, pushing it further to the brim.

Each person looks the same; boys wearing Hurley t-shirts carrying skateboards over their shoulders and girls with messy beach waves wearing short-shorts.

Everything here is about catching the perfect wave and having the perfect tan. Life is nothing but bathing-suits, surfboards, and most importantly; looking the part of being the perfect Californian teenager. 

My phone buzzes in my lap and I flip it over in my hands.

Haley: Not coming to school today, sick :(

I sigh. That lonely feeling you get when you have to do anything without your best friend takes over me.

Kieran: ugh. I'll miss you. Feel better!

I return to looking out the window, until I feel the familiar bump of someone sitting down next to me, in Haley's seat. I turn my head quickly to see a boy sitting beside me, a skateboard between his legs and his head facing the other way.

He has dark brown hair and of course is tan and tall, like everyone else here. He turns his head to look towards the front of the bus and I recognize him immediately to be Elliot Robinson.

Elliot is well-known at our school to be popular, the definition of a surfer boy. His best friend Tyler Ross sits across the aisle, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed version of Elliot. I roll my eyes. 'What a pair.'

I pull out my phone to text Haley.

K: Guess who's sitting in our seat?

H: Who?

K: Elliot Robinson

H: no way, I'm gone one day and they think they can take over.

K: Just make sure that he's gone tomorrow, you are never allowed to be sick again.

H: I gotchu, is Tyler with him?

K: Of course, why? Want me to tell him you're in love w him?

H: NO

K: Hmm, I'll think about it, talk to you after school

H: Kieran, I swear!

I smile slightly, looking down at my lap as I turn off my phone. I glance over to the boy sitting next to me and his best friend across the aisle. Haley has been fangirling over Tyler Ross since elementary school, but I don't think she's ever so much as spoken a word to him.

The bus pulls into the school parking lot and people begin to grab their stuff. Elliot looks over to me for the first time since he got on the bus. He nods his head slightly at me as he grabs his skateboard and hikes his bookbag onto his shoulder. I look down awkwardly and begin to collect my things. I shove my pointe shoes into my canvas dance bag and sigh, not looking forward to another day of high school.

'If you can make it through the next 7 hours, the studio is all yours tonight.' I chant to myself as I unboard the bus.