Glitches

Glitches - Chapter 8

I’d never seen Yolanda so upset in my life.  Which was saying something really.  She had gone from screaming fits of vitriol to sobbing fits of hysteria.  I couldn’t even get out of her what she was so upset about.  It was an hour into this mess and I still wasn’t sure what she was saying.  

I had been fast asleep in my bed one minute and the next minute I was being screamed at a velocity and a rapidity that was equally startling.  Already she’d broken two lamps and a photo of the two of us.  Which didn’t have the desired effect I’m guessing.  I’d tried to get up and pull on some sweats but she wouldn’t have any of it.  I wasn’t going to be moving any time soon apparently.  So I sat there in my boxers being berated by Yolanda without stop.

Eventually she slowed down long enough to take a breath and I jumped in.  “Yolanda, sweetheart.  Can you please slow down and explain?”  And for some reason this didn’t go over well at all.  

“Explain?  Explain?  I have been explaining.  You are an ignorant pig and a complete and utter loser as a human being.  I hate you more than I’ve hated anyone in my life and I would like you to do me a favor and throw yourself to your death.  I don’t know what’s so hard about this concept to understand really.  I hate you I hate you I hate you.”  At this she went to topple over my dresser but she couldn’t move it.  The thing was an immovable beast passed down to me through my grandfather and was made out the hardest walnut imaginable.   So she ran over to my desk and shoved everything on to the floor.  

“Woah, woah woah!”  I yelled, desperately trying to get her to stop.  I didn’t really care much about the stuff.  But I did think she was going to do something really very stupid here soon if she didn’t calm down quickly.  

“You want me to stop?  I’ll show you stop.” Her eyes were wild as she said this.  They were wide open and having difficulty tracking anything specifically.  She was beyond enraged.  She was clinically insane.  In that moment I was certain of it.  “Let me tell you what you’ve done to me.  You’ve made me the laughing stock of my family.  You’ve intentionally embarrassed me as some sort of sick joke.  You hunted me out for some reason and now you are exacting your revenge.”  

I just had no idea what she was talking about now.  Nothing made sense at all.  Revenge?  For what?  Why?  What was she going on about?  

“Yolanda, you need to calm down.  You are going to hurt yourself.  Or me.  Please sit down and take a deep breath.  I would be happy to talk with you.  But I just can’t even make sense of what it is that you are saying right now.”

Another bad move on my part.  I think I was 0-12 so far over the past hour or so.  She exploded again in a righteous fury that all bit lit her eyes on fire and caused smoke to come out of her ears.  And then the scariest possible thing happened.  She calmed down.  A wave of calm slid over her face and her demeanor instantly changed.  Instead of the wild eyed look of a spooked horse she had a slight smile on her face.  Instead of the red puffy pouting look she took on a motherly condescending perspective.  

I was screwed now, and I knew it.  I took the reprieve to snag a pair of crumpled jeans off the floor and slide them on.  Then I grabbed a hoodie and wearily slid it over my head, never once taking my eyes of Yolanda as I did it.  But then she surprised me by turning her charm on, which almost always worked with me.  This time though I was just incredulous she was attempting it.  I had to admit though, I would do just about anything to make that evil minion of hell go away again.  

So I tentatively acquiesced and listened to Yolanda’s new proposal.  “Bentley, let’s not argue now.  Take me to breakfast.  Let’s go to The Swan and have our favorite breakfast crepes.  We can discuss it then at a much more civil venue.”  I hated The Swan.  All done up in a baroque style that was so over done it dripped curlicues down onto the floor.  Louis X!V would have enjoyed it I’m sure and I would have hated him.  That much is certain.