Elliot: A Lucid Dream

Prologue 3: Remedial

"How did the appointment go, Azure?" Those were the only words she'd spoken to me on the entire ride home. My mother asked tentatively, both her hands still on the wheel as the car slowed to a stop.

I didn't answer her right away, just let the question hang in the open air for a moment. I reached over and snatched my bag from the backseat. The seat belt clicked and slid away like a shiny gray snake. 

"It went... okay," I mumbled, turning away from her. I approached the subject carefully, too. I didn't want to get stuck in another argument. Those seemed to happen too much lately. I licked my lips. 

Her grip on the steering wheel tightened even though we'd already arrived at home. "I need to give talk to the therapist. You're not getting any better."

I could feel myself tense up. Not this again. I dreaded it so much. Her words seemed to slowly lap at me, up and down, dragging me down like heavy waves. "I can't just magically get better."

"Did she give you the medicine today?" Her knuckles were white and her whole body went rigid. 

I ignored the question. "You have to go shopping today, right? I'll see you later." 

She sighed. "Azure, I told you that you don't need the medicine. This kind of thing always has to do with your thoughts. Just think past it." 

I'd tried that. I'd done anything to get better. She just didn't understand! It wasn't as simple as that- I wish I didn't think this way. I wish I could've traded my mind for anyone else's. To be in silence for just a day, without Elliot. 

"I know, just please-" I'd started to shout without even realizing it. I didn't even hear how loud my voice was until I saw my mother's expression crumple, a look of distaste on her face. Her mouth was pressed into a thin, white line.

I hoped that she wasn't going to cry. I couldn't deal with all this trouble. I didn't want to hurt her. She did love me-  

"Why are you shouting at me? Are you blaming me for all of this, are you? Is it my fault that you have this- this-" She tapped the side of her head.

"So what? I'm less of a person because I have schizophrenia? No, it's not your fault!" I shook my head. "Please, just-"

"Then what is it? Why is it our family that's like this?" She reached for my arm but I shrank back from her touch. I don't know what I was scared of. I just didn't want her to touch me at that one moment. 

"So you wish you had any other daughter but me?" I said venomously, spiteful and hurt and scared, "What your luck, to be stuck with this one!" 

"I just don't understand what's going on in your head right now!" She waved her hands around, not gesturing to a particular thing. She suddenly slapped her hands down on the gray leather of the steering wheel. 

"I'm sorry, okay! I don't know why I see him!"

"No, you shouldn't be sorry- Is it just because you're at that kind of age?"

"Just- please, leave me alone!" I was sick of all of this. I'd heard it so many times. It just wasn't fair when she said that. It was wrong. It made everything I went through seem so trivial. Like it really was just me who was inadvertently forcing this thing- Elliot- onto myself. 

I got out of the car hastily, before she could say anything else, grabbing the bag and slamming the door of the car so hard that my fingers jarred. I turned and ran up the steps to the house, yanking off my shoes and throwing them carelessly to the side, splayed somewhere on our porch.

I yanked my keys out, fumbling with them for a second before I found the shortest one. I shoved it into the locke so roughly that I scraped the edge of the door.