Crestfallen ↬ Carl Grimes (old version)

S I L E N T

CHAPTER FOUR: SILENT

❝Under all speech that is good for anything, there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as eternity; speech is shallow as time.❞

❝Her own mind was fighting against her; crushing her in an endless void of claustrophobia and emptiness as she sat there, helpless.❞ 

➳

Regular POV

I HAD A HARD TIME PRETENDING TO SLEEP THAT NIGHT. Usually, at night I fight off sleep by wandering my home; for if I wandered physically, then I wouldn't wander too much mentally.  But I've never had the problem of being contained in one space, too anxious to get up and wander, but also too tired to go to sleep.

Moonlight rippled through the battered curtains of the bedroom sheriff boy, who I now know as Carl, assigned me to.  Throughout everything, I had suddenly gone blind to the fact that this boy and whatever past he held could be dangerous. I had ignored my own frightening thoughts and threatening memories that surrounded themselves around my lack of being able to keep people alive, and I agreed to take on this new role that this boy was offering. Group member? Friend?Looking back at the situation now, I realize that anybody would be able to tell what my answer was going to be. For one person can be able to handle herself alone for only so long until she has no other choice but to try and get along with people instead of killing them in cold blood. 

 Then, I thought that it was necessary to scare Carl away, trying to prove to him that there was nothing better than being alone. Yet now, I'm content with the feeling of anxiety bubbling up in my stomach. It was for the better, was what I continued to promise myself. Anxiety was only a small punishment for my lack of being everything I wasn't supposed to be.  That's why. That's why I shouldn't be around people, shouldn't associate myself with humanity. I overthink, I stress. My heart overloads with so much anxiety and fear that I push people away, surrounding myself with so many walls they give up on trying to break them down. That's why I'm alone. And that's why I don't sleep.

 Why don't I just leave? I didn't have to pay the debt I owed my humanity, nor did I need to prove myself in any way shape or form. So why couldn't I just walk out that front door without a word and continue doing what I do best, surviving yet not living, killing while killing myself in the process. That would be the best decision for someone like me. But how would I ever know if it's a mistake or not?

I make mistakes, and those mistakes take away my understanding of emotions. My reason to live. My hope. They take away everything I have.

And I'm tired of it. I know nothing will ever get better for me, so why stay awake and just continue wallowing in it? I've never wanted sleep this badly. I've never wanted to just disappear as much as I did right now. What's the point in staying really? Rules are rules; Simple words meant to be broken with one simple nudge of my pinkie finger.

So right now, I'm going to sleep.

➳

The girl was living in her own nightmare. Nothing she could do would wake her up from it. She tried screaming, pinching herself, scratching her skin until it bled, everything. Yet the more she fought, the more the dream wanted to take her down. Her own mind was fighting against her; crushing her in an endless void of claustrophobia and emptiness as she sat there, helpless.