A World Together

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Logan

Do not feel bad.

The phrase echoes around the recesses of my mind. It's become like a chant now. My mantra. Something I'm so used to telling myself over and over. The words are probably etched on the inside of my skull. They've almost lost all meaning to me. Yet still, repeating them over and over is the only thing that offers me a sliver of comfort now. The only thing that can preoccupy my thoughts from straying elsewhere.

Do not feel bad. Do not feel bad. Do not feel bad.

It acts as a barrier, warding off any feeling at all. Occasionally though, one will manage to slip through the cracks. Despair. Self-loathing. Guilt. But why should I feel guilty? For killing the Gas Man? No, there's no guilt there. He got what he deserved. Even if he was trying to help us in the end. So what do I have to feel guilty for?

I shouldn't have asked, because now I've opened the floodgates to every other thought that's bent on tearing me apart. Do not feel bad, do not feel bad, I chant in an effort to regain control. But it's too late. My safety net has been breached and I don't feel bad. I feel terrible. Awful. Rotten inside and out. And I know exactly why too, but the safety net holding that thought away is far stronger. She has been repressed and will stay that way for as long as I can hold her back.

Stop thinking, I tell myself, just focus on what's happening now. I'm darting through the streets, keeping to the shadows, trying to be silent. The infected have dispersed throughout the city, but a few stragglers still sprinkle the roads around the museum. Stella is limp in my arms. I tried waking her but gave up. Since I didn't know when she would regain consciousness, I decided I couldn't wait. I needed to get us out of the museum.

So I'm carrying her to the storage facility. I know exactly where it is. We passed it on our way to the shopping centre. It's on the same street where I left Maisie and Gale. I hope they're holed up in a shop and didn't go running off randomly at the sight of the infected. If they did, I don't think I'd be willing to go looking for them. Getting back to the Jeep is going to be difficult enough now that the city is infested. Finding them as well will be nearly impossible.

I'm pulled from these thoughts when Stella's foot catches against a street lamp and dings loudly against its metal body. Two infected up the street swivel round in our direction. I duck down behind a trash can and hold my breath. During our time in the museum, the sun has set, its light lost behind the buildings now. It should be too dark for them to spot us, but I have the shotgun just incase. It's balanced between Stella's body and mine. A last resort. Pulling the trigger will bring a swarm upon us in minutes.

From my crouch I spot a street sign hanging above us. This is where I left Maisie and Gale. I peer around the bin and sure enough, I spot the body of the infected I killed earlier, crumpled up on the road like discarded trash. The two infected up the street have returned to their aimless shambling. After a few more minutes of waiting they're far away enough not to pose a threat.

My knees protest as I struggle to stand up. Stella doesn't weigh very much, but I've been carrying her for so long that my arms are beginning to burn. Just a bit farther, then I can put her down. I cross over to the middle of the road and start hissing Gale's name. I don't expect him to answer. If he's still here, he'll be tucked away somewhere in the back of a store. But after calling his name a third time there's the rustling of movement to my right.

It's Gale, Maisie hovering at his elbow. They look frightened but otherwise unharmed. This is difficult to admit, but seeing them is actually somewhat disappointing. A part of me was hoping they would be gone, so that I wouldn't have to worry about them anymore. Earlier, when I took on the role of leader, it felt like the moon had dropped on my back, weighing me down with the responsibility and burden of keeping everyone safe. Now it feels as if it has crushed me completely.