Randomly Random Randomness

Reality (I)

My whole life is falling to shit right infront of me and I can't stop it.

Everything, everything I've worked so hard for.
It was so close to being a reality.

It's still in sight, but barely- and losing light rapidly.

I don't have the strength to reach up and grab it.

My only motivations were to prove other people wrong.

So that I could look at all of them who had knocked me down and say hey

'You were wrong about me.'

How fucking childish.

I've come to the realisation now that I've spent so much time doing things for other people, or in spite of them.

I didn't do anything for myself!

Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
Where do I want to go?

I have no idea.

& since I spent so much wasted time pushing everyone out, no one else does either.

There's unexplainable lonliness in the realisation that not even your mother really knows you.

Knows how sad you really are.
The dark thoughts that taunt and tease relentlessly, so you compressed them, in hopes that it would snuff them out.

& just when you think it's okay, and you're better now. They come crawling out in a storm, except now they've grown too much to be stopped.

I don't want help.

I just want someone to know.

I long for just one person. That would be enough.

That I didn't hide everything from, that I could talk to freely and be me.

But I'm so scared that I've been pretending to be this person so long that I can't go back to what I was.

Life isn't a Nicholas Sparks book.
Reality= No one will ever want to understand me.

To me,
I'm sorry I lost you.
Please forgive my foolishness.

But I think this is forever, I'll never be able to find that person again will I?

... I killed my innocence.

To them,
I should have listened and taken notice,
There's a reason you were able to knock me down,
Because I'm weak.

You were right about me.

- Mini