Out of Body, Out of Mind

New Diary

12:30 pm
Michael finally dragged me to that therapist he kept talking about and guess what? She's making me write in a diary. I have to go back and see that woman every week and she expects me to have at least one journal entry every time I go back so she can read it.
The only comforting thought about that is she said she might sometimes give me a topic or an idea that I can "branch off of". Who does she think she is?
A beautiful and caring woman, who knows what she's doing, that's who.
(Not)
I'm not sure if you're reading this Diane, but I do appreciate the help.. maybe. I haven't decided if I do or not yet.

Anyway, this week she told me to write a little about what got me to this point. And honestly it's not too much. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm a whole different person, I don't know what that person is like but that person isn't me.

They don't have a personality or a specific embodiment, but sometimes that's me. Basically nothing, a nothing who watches this person named Ellie's (that's me) life.

Like yesterday, when I was at work it was so boring. I just stood around. I did have a couple short tasks but they were easy so I finished them quickly. Then I screwed around on my phone till the big boss man came back.

After work, Mike came to pick me up. I looked at him and he was different. Maybe it was me, I tell you, I love him but sometimes I don't know if he really loves me back. I'm sure it's all in my head because he's always there for me but yesterday, when he grabbed my hand and I squeezed it. He didn't squeeze back or look at me when I squeezed it.
Maybe he's getting bored of me..
That's not the point. The point is, i saw him there and i felt like I was supposed to sit on the bench and wait for the real Mike to show up. Because this Mike, he wasn't the real one who drops me off and picks me up everyday, or the one who cuddles me to sleep.
Now that I think of it, my boss didn't feel like my boss either.
I was doing my work, I'm a cashier but have many more responsibilities than just cash handling. I was helping someone find something they were looking for, I think it was a specific type of tea or something, and he came booming in.

Now this guy, he's a big guy but I've never seen him frown. He's the embodiment of happiness, if happiness was a person in a play, they would get this guy to play him.
He's always smiling and looking on the bright side. If something gets stolen he always says to give that person the benefit of doubt. Or if they steal something he was trying to get rid of he always says "good riddance". He's quite the character, let me tell you. My whole work experience is for a day that isn't today.

Anyway, back to the point, when he came in 10 minutes before I was supposed to leave, I knew he was coming in to relieve me of my duties but it always felt like he was looking at someone else.
It felt like I was just supposed to float out and leave and he was talking to someone else. At that point, I still felt like I was nothing and my body was there just standing and I wasn't with it.
Then when I saw Mike, the feeling didn't go away, it just drifted from one person to a different person.
It feels like I did just float out of there, and I floated right to Mike where I was still just floating.

Until we went to dinner. I decided to take Mike to a nice Italian place near my work because I'm trying to show him I love him more often.
I feel like sometimes I don't show him enough and I would be devastated if he told me he didn't feel loved.
When we got to dinner and started talking it felt like I had been zapped or something along those lines. I felt like from my toes to my head, I was being stitched back up. And the stitching was slowly putting my mind in the right place.
Then for the rest of the night I felt normal.
We hung out with the other couple we usually hang out. Kate, a girl who happens to be my best friend, and Brian, a guy who happens to be Mike's best friend.
We just sat around playing a drinking game like we normally do, and I'm sure you don't wanna hear about that because everything was fine until the point where I woke up the next morning, or last Sunday.
Monday was me, finally meeting you Diane. And I was not happy about it. If I could have gone kicking and screaming like a child I would have. But when I do things like that, Mike tends to get scared. Not like scared for my safety or his safety. More like, he doesn't know what he should do so he can't make any choices scared.
And I want him to feel like he's helping me even though I could have gone my whole life without meeting Diane.
Tuesday his mom took us to an 18+ comedy club. And that was fine. Most of the comedians told their jokes about the same way I could.
I'll give an example, as if I were the comedian who just started their set.

"Hey everyone calm down," but it would already be quiet because no one knows who I am. "Guys, how many have you ever seen the inside of a ladies restroom. You've probably been raised to believe that girls always flush, their meat and tidy right?" Pause for laughter. "Wrong. Girls are gross slumps who some of them, im pretty sure wait until they get their cute little butts into public washrooms until to be the savage beasts that they actually are. You first go in and there is a garbage bin but there's trash everywhere.  You decide to take it one step further so you walk into a stall. There's pee everywhere, one little girl just got her first period so there's blood everywhere and it looks like she forgot to flush," then I would move onto something different.

And yes I would laugh at that because I'm a laugh whore. Even if it's something that you're supposed to laugh at like jokes about airplane food, I'll laugh. Hell, I even laugh at my own discomfort and pain just like anybody else.

So as you see, Diane. Sometimes I just have mini existential crises. I'm fine.