Diary of a Fat Black Girl

Accepted?

1st March:

I haven’t written in a while because I thought I was getting a hold over my emotions but I was wrong yet again. The worst thing happened yesterday. I was slowly started to get my confidence back. Natalie asked me to go shopping with her and I agreed reluctantly. We went around shops and she showed the clothes that would suit and that would enhance my ‘curves’ as she called it. I was in a really good mood until we started to walk to the bus stop. One of Natalie’s friends came over with a lot of boys with her. One of them shouted,

“Why don’t you ditch the ugly blob and come to the party with us?”

I stiffened instantly and watched Natalie as she punched him in the stomach and kicked him to the floor.

“Say another fucking word about my cousin and I will crush your balls with my boots.” She dared him, venom pouring out of her mouth with each word.

The boy kept quiet and Natalie linked my arms again and pulled me along to the bus stop. I felt slightly bad for the guy. It's not like he was lying.

“Are you alright Ash?” She asked me quietly.

I nodded as tears streamed down my face. My day had been completely ruined by one stupid comment. Natalie wrapped her arms around me and told me to calm down. I stopped crying and looked up at her. My cousin had a hidden beauty but her personality was amazing. She was annoying as hell but she was always there for those she loved which I admired. She looked me in the eyes and told me that everything would be okay.

“Don’t listen to what people think about you. You are a sweet, beautiful and amazing person and that prick is clearly blind if he can’t see that.” She told me sincerely.

I nodded even though I knew what she said wouldn’t make a difference. I cared about what people thought about me even if she didn’t. The thing that the boy said would hurt me for the rest of my life....

3rd March:

It’s been three whole days since that horrible day. School is boring me and I can’t wait until the Easter Holidays. I’m staying at Natalie’s house for the whole two weeks. It’s going to be so fun... well I hope it will be. As long as we don’t go out too much I should be fine. At school, we’re doing gymnastics and I’m so shit. I’m not flexible at all. I can’t even do a forward roll. To make matters worse, we had to wear our shorts which meant my flab was constantly shown to the whole of my class. As soon as the lesson finished, I bolted to the changing room and covered myself.

My friend Tiffany is having a birthday party this weekend and she invited me. I’m not going to go. I didn’t want to disgrace myself by wearing my boring clothes. When I got home, Natalie was already waiting for me in the kitchen. She did that every Friday; dropped by our house before going home. She smiled when she saw me.

“Hey stranger, I’ve been calling you all week. Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” She asked with a hint of concern in her voice. I walked up the stairs and gestured for her to follow me. We went into my room and we sat on my bed

”I’m alright Nat. I’ve gotten over it.” I told her with a fake smile.

“You’re lying but it’s nice that you’re trying to make me feel better.” She replied looking me straight in the eyes.

I was so shocked that my mouth hung open.  Sometimes it was really scary how well my cousin knew me. I stayed like that for a while.

Natalie started going through my wardrobe as I continued to stare at her. She picked out a few outfits and laid them down on the bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“I’m picking out outfits for that party you’re going to tomorrow.” She replied as she started to pick out some shoes.

“I’m not going to a party tomorrow.” I told her firmly,

“Really? When I answered the house phone for your mum before, Tiffany seemed to think you were going. Aunty said that you could go as well so why aren’t you going Ash?” She asked fixing me with an intense stare.I lowered my gaze.

“I don’t want to.” I mumbled feebly.

Natalie pulled me to my feet and smiled at me. “Alright gorgeous, let’s see what you’re wearing tomorrow.” She announced as if she hadn’t heard what I’d just said.

I guess I’ll be going to Tiffany’s party after all...

4th March:

Today was so funny. I had such a great time. We went to Tiffany’s house and just chilled there for most of the day and then afterwards we went to Nando’s. My outfit didn’t look so bad either. I was wearing my favourite jeans, a purple halter top, my leather boots and my leather jacket. Nana had picked it out for me and it paid off because people kept on saying how good I looked. I smiled at each comment. I was happy when I got home for once. When I got through the door; it all changed.

As soon as I walked in, my mum looked up from the TV.

“Did you have fun?” She asked. I nodded vigorously and beamed at her.

“Those jeans look a bit tight. You need to stop eating so much or they won’t fit you soon.” My mum warned me before turning back to the TV.

I ran up the stairs to my room and locked the door. I sank to the floor, tears streaming down my face and I wished that my mum would love me as I am. This wasn’t the first time she had made a comment about my weight. She made jokes about it. She didn’t realise that I didn’t find it funny at all. I prayed to be thinner. If God couldn’t help me, then who could? I was starting to think that I couldn’t ever be accepted. Not by my family. Not by my friends. Especially not by me.