And I can't change,
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps my warm
My love, my love, my love.
~Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert, "Same Love"
Luke's POV
It’s been about a week since Ashton’s breakdown and it feels like everybody knows about Lashton already.
I mean, Calum and Michael know, their fake-girlfriends know, management knows--it’s killing me, because we almost screw up several times and go in for a kiss while out in public, usually resulting in a hard elbow to the stomach.
I want to finally say it. Don’t get me wrong, I shake at the thought of it. There are a lot of things that could go wrong.
1. The fans could hate us. The band will then fail before our album even comes out. Careers=over.
2. Our families and friends could hate us. Social life and acceptance=nonexistent.
3. Ashton and I become subjected to hate. Homophobia, disgust, disappointment. Happiness=gone.
4. All of the above.
I just feel like I’ve spent my life trying to deny who I am to myself, and I’m never going to fully accept myself if I keep hiding it. My parents don’t even know. I’m not really being myself if I’m pretending to be someone else.
I talked about it last night with Ashton in hushed whispers. He’s scared. He’s uncertain. Unfortunately, so am I.
He doesn’t know if it’s a good time. I don’t know if it’ll ever be a good time. He says I have a point. I don’t know if I’m trying to convince him or myself.
Calum wakes up right after me and sits down across from me at the table. He glances at the cup of coffee in my hand.
“Not too much,” he wheedles.
“I’m fine. I haven’t had that much lately,” I say, dismissing his concerns. “I just wanted something to drink that wasn’t water.”
“You don’t drink coffee unless you’re upset. What’s bugging you?”
Ah, Calum. More observant than meets the eye.
I shrug. “Ashton and I are talking about doing it.”
“Just be safe, man, and please do it when Michael and I are not home. I don’t want to know what it sounds like--”
“I wasn’t talking about sex,” I snap. “Why are you always thinking about sex? When’s the last time you’ve even had sex?”
“I--”
“Rhetorical question, don’t want to know.” I sigh, knotting my hands in my hair. “I was talking about--you know. C-coming out.”
I don’t know why I stumble over the words. I guess I’m even more nervous than I thought. Calum catches the stumble, of course.
“Are you guys actually going to?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. “Did management okay it?”
“They gave us a date that we should do it after,” I say. “We passed the date a couple of days ago. They’re trying to give us some freedom.”
YOU ARE READING
Over and Over (Lashton)
FanfictionAshton is okay right now. He's always like this after a bad bout. He starts off saying that the world is his oyster and he loves everyone, but when the energy and fresh success fades, so does he. Luke knows. He knows about all of Ashton's problems...
