up becomes down ✩ taewin

one

chapter dedicated to haenadelight

they made the cover, give them a follow :)

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It has been only a few months since I've moved away from China to South Korea, alongside my family. A transition that came out of nowhere, giving me no time to prepare for it.

I am finally at the point where I'm no longer frantic with sobs during the night, but still far from being comfortable in the shelter I will sooner or later have to accept as my new home. It could be worse, but it will also take a little longer until things are better.

No, I might not cry into my pillow while my mother and father are sound asleep, but I still toss and turn in the sheets nightly, finding it difficult to get enough hours of shut eye. This reflects during the daytime, my distinct and groggy state sticking out like a sore thumb. My mother has pointed it out before, "you should really try to get some rest during the night, Sicheng..." and so have several teachers, who scold me in Korean phrases that I don't fully understand yet, as my Korean isn't perfect. But I understand the gist of it...

It's usually something about not being lazy, and rants about possibly calling home to have a chat with my parents about the ongoing issue I have with dozing off during classes. Empty threats, as they always decide to take it easy on me. An advantage of being a generally nice and quiet person, and an out-of-place foreign student in a sea of people different from me. I am a glaring outcast amongst my peers, and they must assume that burden on top of still being fresh to my surroundings would be enough to keep anybody up past their internal bedtime.

My mother enters my room to prompt me to begin getting ready for school. A saddened and hesitant mien washes over my face. There I am, in front of my mother already awake, after being up all night thinking about what used to be my home, and if I would ever adapt. I should really try get some sleep. She doesn't deserve to have to worry about me everyday, all day.

Although, it's obvious to me that she can relate to what I'm feeling, no matter how much she tries to cover it up. I know her inside and out, just like she knows me.

There was a big job opening not only for my father, but for her as well. It would have been foolish to pass up the opportunity, so personal feelings had to be swept aside as if they were left-over dust on a wooden desk. Simple as that. The difference between her and I comes with age.

I'm still very young, finding friendships and old memories as sentimental as ever. Something that would be heartbreaking to have to give up. She feels the same way... it's just that she has a stronger ability to conceal it, and that comes with years experience in not revealing her actual emotions. A skill you master once you reach adulthood, basically. Adulthood is only one of the many things that I fear, and don't want to have to experience.

My mother slowly walks over to the side of my bed, and crouches down so she is level with my face. I reach up to my own forehead, sweeping back a few loose, dark strands so I can see her more clearly. She is visibly tired, which is natural considering it being morning. But I can also tell she still had a good night's sleep, as her eyes were focused and didn't fight to stay open.

"Can't I sleep some more?" I grumble out, adding the last two words to make it seem like I got any sleep at all. I obviously hadn't.

"You know that you would be late..."

I did know that, but truthfully didn't care. If there was a choice between lying there for the rest of my life, or having to endure going to school and possibly being teased for my broken Korean or slip-ups where I accidentally answer a teacher's question in Chinese, I would choose the bed. Plus, unlike my mother, I can't keep my eyes open longer than five seconds at a time before they close on their own for the life of me. I'm so, so tired. So that's another factor in the equation.