up becomes down ✩ taewin

two

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Never thought I would feel this way in a million years, but physical education is now my favorite class of the day. It's what I look forward to when I wake up in the morning, and it's all I can think about once it unfortunately ends and I'm forced to go to my other classes. Each time Taeyong is chosen to be one of the two coveted captains, he always picks me. Yes, he habitually waits for me to be one of the last options, drafting his closest friends and certified jocks first, but he still ends up picking me. This made me feel happy, and has granted me a small sense of inclusion - even if the other boy could hardly remember my name, and often asked mid-game to be reminded of it.

Today, there is a sense of urgency to return the favor. Despite the negative thoughts that clouded my brain while changing in the locker room and thinking about it, I'm going to volunteer to be a team captain and ask Taeyong to be a part of my team. As a kind gesture, but also because there just may be a hint of desperation to start a friendship. Knowing for a fact that I would freeze up like a popsicle if I were to approach the boy and attempt to strike a casual conversation, I concluded that this was the simplest way to make a connection with him. Some form of indirect acknowledgment.

"Team captains... volunteers. I think you all should know the drill at this point," Coach Song drones. Hands go up, and mine remains glued to my side.

A sudden heat rises in my cheeks, because I'm aware of exactly what I'm set out to do... I just don't know if I want to follow through with the plan. In the moment, I become annoyed with myself. So damn shy, and can never get the job done. Good job, Sicheng. Ki-jung, like a few weeks prior, is chosen as the first captain. If I want a chance to be chosen as the second one, I'll have to mentally assemble some self confidence real quick, or else it will be too late. Oh, and I would spend the entire night brooding about the failure in bed. That would occur for sure.

"Who else. Let me see..."

Shakily, I am able to remove my left hand from the pocket nesting it to begin raising my arm into the air. Well, not all the way, as it stops rising to be awkwardly placed at chest-level, but technically it would still count as volunteering. The timid voice in my head tries its best to coax me into dropping my hand, and give in to self-imposed pressure. I wrestle against it. Coach Song gawks at me, likely astonished that the boy who usually stayed silent and kept to himself actually wanted to fill the position.

"Sicheng, I'd be lying to say that I'm not shocked that you're actually getting involved, but you will be the second team captain. Good on you, kid."

A few classmates complain while I waddle over to stand beside Coach Song, the side opposite to where Ki-jung was already standing tall. The gym-built protein-shake-junkie meathead shoots an antagonistic scowl in my general direction, causing me to flinch fearfully. More as a natural instinct, rather than coming from actual fear. Some of the boys that are still in line laugh, hands covering their mouths.

"Sicheng, since this is your first time being a team captain, so why don't you make the first pick? It can be anybody you want."

Choose first. I can do that, right? It shouldn't be grueling to simply choose first. All I have to do say a name.

"Oh, um. Okay..."

Taeyong. I want to pick Taeyong. It's really not that hard, Sicheng. Don't make it more difficult than it is.

"Um..."

Butterflies flap their ticklish wings in my stomach, and my throat feels like it's all dried up. What was I thinking? I look more than stupid. I look completely devoid of a functional brain. How embarrassing.