To Be Perfect

Chapter 4- Caring

     It's Sunday night and I've had a really stressful day with my family. Sundays are our family days and honestly it's the worst. It's just me being treated like shit by the entire family. "Why aren't you in and clubs?" "Why are you so lazy?" "Why don't you ever have plans?" "You need to make yourself some friends."
     It's too much, I don't want to answer any of the questions so whenever one comes up I just laugh. Deep down it hurts I mean this how my family sees me this is what they think of me, and it isn't very good. I'm truly sorry to be a disappointment to my family. I never wanted this. I didn't ask to be born into this life..
     So I go home wash off my makeup and moisturize my face and brush my teeth. Then I go into my room shut and lock my door and take off my jeans and bra. I lay in my bed and start sobbing. What did I ever do to deserve this. Clearly I must've upset the fucking universe. I don't believe in that bullshit but there isn't much else to think.
     I look around my room at the still trashed floor and then at my little lizard. I pick up a pen and for the first time in my life, I write out a suicide note. The note I want everyone to see when I'm dead. Not today though, but soon. I need to make myself suffer I don't deserve death, yet.
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The Note
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I officially have a plan to kill my self I don't know if I should be sorry or not at this point. I don't plan to put it into action right now unless something really bad happens soon, for the moment I'm just waiting for the right time. So let me explain a little bit, suicide has been at the front of my mind for quite a long time now. I've read suicide notes, suicide stories, and done a lot of research on the topic. And today I have finally decided on how I want to kill myself. I'll start by making the cuts on my stomach deeper, and cutting deep on my thighs. No one will notice at this point except for me. This will go on and when I'm out of room I start to slit my wrists, only my observant friends will notice this. Then when I'm finally done punishing myself, I'll overdose on pills. I don't want to leave a chance either so I'm going to get as many medications as possible. I'll also take bottles of painkillers. I'll do something right for once in my life. I'm not really sure why this has been on my mind so much lately, but it just has. I don't know what I want now, right now I'm just feeling very emotionless. I'm going to go now even though I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll write more in the future but for now, goodbye.
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     I get up from my bed, wiping the tears out of my eyes, and walk into my closet grabbing my makeup bag and locking the door before falling down on the floor. I open up the bag and dump it on the floor, my blades in the bottom right where I left it.
     I gently run it across the skin in my thighs not even hard enough to cut, the I remember something. Courtney sobbing into my arms on my bed and I can't I'm frozen in place I hear the blade hit the floor and I just stare at it. I used this tiny piece of metal to make myself "feel better" and that's what it did to her.