Vent

Well Shit

My name is Greyson. I am an LGBT+ girl scared for my safety because the man who is taking over my country is the biggest enemy to anyone who isn't a straight, white, cis male. I'm probably going to end up sounding like the con-man from that episode of Spongebob where they sell chocolates so bare with me here. I have many people who I would like to believe are my friends, but I'm too afraid to fully vent to them, for fear that they will not understand or will try to apply their own situation to mine. My mother is pretty dang homophobic (although she pretends she isn't) and my father has anger issues and a history with abuse and alcohol. They got divorced when I was still just a toddler, so the idea of a full family is foreign to me.
Many people around me did or still do suffer from depression, and I fear I might as well. I suffered badly from depression in 6th grade, but I'm afraid that I never really recovered from it. There are times where I feel so empty inside, and want nothing more than to break down crying in someone's arms.
I can't really remember when I last felt truly happy or when I felt something other than loneliness or just plain empty.
Other times I worry that I'm not mentally stable. That one day, I may hurt someone. Not emotionally. No. The kind of hurt when you lose your mind, when you no longer feel sympathy and want to see others suffer. The kind that makes you kill people. That's what I'm afraid I'll become, because I can talk about stabbing someone, and I'll be smiling. I won't think about feeling guilt or remorse. I'll be happy at the idea of removing another asshole from this planet. I am afraid of my own mind for what I may be capable of. And this may be something that will get me arrested, but anything is better than failing everything I do and coming home to see the disappointment in my mother's face.
As often as I joke about wanting to die, I don't think the people around me truly understand that I'm not just joking. America is on the brink of ww3 because "President" Donald Trump has bombed Syria and violated an agreement with Russia. And while everyone who usually jokes about death is now scared for their lives, I just hope death comes to me sooner.
So yeah.. Depression? Suicidal thoughts? Yeah probably.  

I'm doing this in a very open way, but if there is someone who'd like to talk about anything in a more private manner, I'm here to talk. It's always good to talk to someone who's going through something similar to you, although I can't say how helpful I might be.