Vent

Talk

I don't expect anyone to read the things I write here. In fact, I actually hope that people won't. I simply use this as an outlet for all the things I'm afraid to say out loud. I don't like talking about the things that go on inside my head. I especially don't like when I know there's someone who's listening to me, who thinks about what I say. I don't like when that changes the way someone views me.

I want to be seen as bright and carefree. I don't want someone to realize how fucked up and dark my mind is. I don't want someone to learn just how often I feel empty and hopeless and just completely sad. I want people to think that my mental health is better and that I'm doing great. Even if I know I'm not. I don't want somebody I care about to see me as someone to be pitied, someone they have to be careful around. I don't want people to think that they have to watch what they say or treat my like a fragile baby. So I hide the way I feel. Which isn't a good thing to do.

I know I should probably see a psychiatrist, and I've told my mom this. But I'm afraid to tell her why. I'm afraid to get help because I can't talk about myself without crying, and I hate when people see me cry. I can't stand the thought of someone analyzing my mind and telling me what's wrong with me. I'm afraid to seriously admit to someone that there's something wrong with my brain. I'm afraid to ask for help about these things because I'm afraid to properly learn that I have depression, anxiety, paranoia; all these things I'm afraid of having that I might have. There may be something I'm not aware of that I inherited from my dad. At least that's what my mom says. I'm so afraid of the things that may be wrong with me that I don't want to get the help I need, and it's a terrible way to live. 

Living in constant fear and sadness is absolutely awful. I hate it and know I should seek help. But I'm weak and afraid. And I don't others to feel the same way I do. If anyone does read this, and you do feel the same way I do, or at least similarly, then please don't do what I do and try and get even a little help from a friend. And thank you for sitting through all my bullshit.