soft sounds from someone

i'm not the same

11/10/16

This message I carry will hopefully make an impact somehow, some way.

These days I feel numb; it's as if I'm going through the motions of my existence with too blurry vision when buried amongst the bricks that hold up my many walls, I have all the tools to fix my focus and live true.

Except, these pieces to return my state of being back to that of feeling alive go back to when I was twelve; they are too outdated to use for my now nineteen year old head.

Despite how I've never felt my age since these parts I found to be invisible to my eyes for years turned to rubble, I'm not the same as I was back then.

I've dealt with heartache, loss, it goes all across the spectrum of growth; why am I so caught up in old parts that won't serve their purpose as they should?

I'll tell you why; I'd love nothing more than to gain that untouchable childhood innocence back.

Instead of worrying myself sick over the status of our country, I'd love to sit with my family at the kitchen table and play a game of Monopoly, and all I focus on is the shared giggles over jokes made as well as spending my play money wisely hoping I can gain an overall victory.

Rather than becoming stressed by how I'm perceived when anxiety becomes too much and I turn down invitations for family outings, I'd go back to the trips with them to Walt Disney World in a heartbeat; one of those rare places where I can remember genuinely feeling happy (like when fireworks cascaded the night sky and my loved ones and I were admiring the show with glee).

Yes this is silly of me, strolling through paths of my past like it's nothing more but clips of time I can step back into with the snap of my fingers; but when everything around you seems to be falling apart, wouldn't you want some stability too?

I find my footing by looking back;
I guess what I wish for you to learn from me is to not do the same.

Why?

It's not good for me.
Even with all these retracing of steps I've made, there's always something I've ended up missing out on.

I never enjoy these moments of my life until they're a piece of my history.

Be present as your life unfolds;
there will be something much greater to gain than those small snapshots of nostalgia that'll eventually fade.