You know that moment, at some ungodly time in the morning where this sense of hopelessness settles in, when you you find yourself struggling to breathe, and the tears are pouring down your face. You feel like your the only one in the whole entire world but yet the house is full of people. You can't calm yourself down and your arms itch, but not just any itch. The itch that takes over all your senses until all around you is this urge to cave into the itch. And you try so hard no to give, because it breaks everyone's heart when you do, and it tears you up inside seeing the look of sadness that washes over their faces when you tell them. But you can't help it. That's the only way you get out of that warped train of thought for long enough you can fall asleep.
The worst feeling of all, is when it creeps in, in the middle of the day. Just out of no where, you are with friends and are genuinely happy, and out of no where everything comes crashing in and you just feel like crying but you can't. You don't want to bring your friends' moods down because of you so you suck in a breath and hope no one notices the forced laughter and faked smiles. But there is always that one person who sees right through you and they know. They just know the one thing on your mind is a rope around your neck, a gun to your temple, a few extra pills, or plunging a knife deep into your wrists. And you see the flicker of fear in their eyes when they realize what happened, and it scares you because they weren't supposed to know.
It's the moments when you are surrounded by people who love you so fucking much, and yet you feel so alone. Like everything is weighting down on you and before you even know it, you can't breathe, your heart is beating a million times a second and you are shaking. Physically shaking so hard you can't even hold up your own weight, and it terrifies you, the thoughts that come next. The ones to end your own life right there. Just like that, no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears, and no more emotions. You just want no feeling at all, to just not feel. Because emotions break your heart. They rip it straight in two and you can't do anything about it.
And after you've felt this way a couple times, you start to notice you don't just feel it all at once. You feel your chest start to tighten up in the middle of class, your palms get sweaty, you get this sick feeling in your stomach like your going to puke and you don't know what to do because you don't want to talk to your teacher about what's going on so you sit there struggling to get a grip on your life and you just can't do it. It's not until that one special person shows up and catches your attention. They make you calm down, but not for long. Long enough that you guys get out of there, but later on, the feeling returns. You lose your grip on everything and before you know it, the blade is in hand or the toxins are in your blood. Your air supply has been cut off or your brain is splattered on the bathroom wall and you finally feel at peace with yourself. And nothing has ever compared to that in your whole life time. And you finally achieve your biggest goal of finally being numb. And there are no words to describe how amazing it can finally be when it's all over and down with.
