The worst part of depression, is how it can hit you all at once. You think you're doing better, you finally have control over your day and think you finally are ok, and it all comes crashing back in.
Happens in the middle of the day too. You are sitting there, at peace with yourself and suddenly, you can't do it anymore. It's like your body is coated in this overwhelming sense of sadness and you don't know what to do.
The urge is back, and you are struggling to ignore itch burning in your arms. Your body starts feeling heavy and you feel yourself forcing you to lift your head, and you feel so scared because how do you explain how you feel. Most people, as soon as you feel a negative emotion, they want to know why, they want to know what's wrong. But that's the scary part, you don't know what's wrong. You don't know why your limbs feel like lead and your head starts spinning. All these conflicting thoughts battling out a way inside your head, and all you can do is let it happen.
You want to scream out at how unfair it is that you have to suffer through the overwhelmingly sad feeling crashing in.
You look around the room, thinking no one understands what is going on inside your head and how much pain you are in, but you don't know how far from true you are.
You see that boy in all advanced classes getting 100% on everything, the one who always seems to be able to solve any mathematical equation you through at him. He seems like he knows everything, all except one thing. He doesn't know why his parents hate him so much. He doesn't know why his father is unhappy with every grade he gets, he doesn't know why his mother screams at him to shut the hell up because he's a worthless waste of space that should never have been born. He doesn't understand why everything he does, isn't good enough for his parents.
That girl in your art class who is always so quiet and hates human company? She seems to just be antisocial and lonely right? You think she's just a bitch who thinks she's too good for everyone, but you don't know that. You guessed. You didn't know she was sexually assaulted too many times to count. You don't know that she gets punished at home for speaking a word. You don't know her mother left when she was a little girl, all because her mother was scared to death of her father. But you call her antisocial for no reason right?
What about that bright, bubbly always happy girl who smiles widely at everyone, always saying hi and asking about people's day? The one who stops kids who are crying or look upset, just to ask if there is anything she an say or do to cheer you up? She looks like she has it all together. Her home life is actually pretty amazing, and she doesn't struggle with school. She's never even cried at school before, not once, not ever. Too bad you don't notice the endless hoodies, long sleeve shirts, and strategically placed bracelets. She doesn't have a reason for feeling this way. She just wakes up every morning feeling like dying, and going bed every day hoping that she's not going to wake up in the morning.
Depression can destroy a person. Some people let it show, others don't. You aren't the only one going through something. So don't be scared to talk to someone. You never know if they understand exactly how you feel.
