Hero // Ethan and Grayson Dolan

chapter 12 ~ fear

** this chapter includes anxiety and self doubt :( just a warning x

My eyelids suddenly open. I feel so sick. I take a deep breath and reach for my phone on the side of my bed. 3:57am.

I need to distract myself. Quick go on Instagram.

I scroll through Instagram, liking every single photo on my feed. My hands are trembling and my palms are so sweaty, I can barely touch the screen. Tears fall from my face uncontrollably.

I need to get out of here.

I exit my room as fast as possible, pacing around the corridor. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Fuck me. I'm having a panic attack.

Brooklyn, calm down. You aren't gonna. It's your brain making up shit.

I slap myself in the face over and over again. I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE. The tears fall faster.

My legs give up on me and I drop to the floor with a thud. "Why why why me? Just kill me! Hurry up and fucking do it!" I whisper loudly. My heart is beating out of my chest.

"Who's there?!" I hear a mumble from one of the rooms, but my focus is somewhere else. My vision is blurry.

I need to breathe. In and out. Nothing is gonna happen! Calm down, you're okay.

Please, I don't wanna be here.

"BROOKLYN!"

I look up to see Ethan running towards me, a pile of mess, lying in a ball in the middle of the corridor. Great.

"Ethan I-I'm okay please go ba-" I can't. I burst out crying again. I FEEL SO FUCKING SICK. I HATE THIS. I HATE IT.

A wave of sickness rushes over me. I try to tell myself its paranoia, but I need to go to the bathroom. I feel like I'm going to throw up (as fucking usual).

"Ethan pleas-" I hiccup. "Leave me for a minute."

I put my hand over his shoulder, and use it as a boost. I jump up and sprint to the bathroom. I crouch over the toilet without thinking, and last nights dinner comes pouring out of me.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" I'm crying hysterically. I still can't breathe. I'm shaking. My entire body is sweating. I don't know what to do with my life, except just ball up on the side of the toilet. "TAKE ME." I yell, as Ethan comes rushing in.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK THAT YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE YOU-" He gasps, noticing what just happened.

He quickly crouches down next to me and grabs my hand. I intertwine my fingers into his.

"I want to die ... " I whisper, looking up at him with my red and puffy eyes.

"No, stop." He purses his lips and violently shakes his head. "Stop saying you want to die. You are going to get through this and you are going to be okay. You are going to be okay."

I'm going to be okay.

...

I wake up in Ethan's bed. I touch my face and notice it's damp.

Memories from last night flood my brain.

"Brooklyn!" A shirtless Ethan bursts into the room, distracting me before my anxiety has a chance to strike again.

Ethan kneels on the side of his bed and kisses the tip of my nose lightly. "I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologising? If it wasn't for you, God knows what I would've done to myself." I take his hand in mine. "I can't thank you enough."

He smiles. "It was nothing."

"It was everything to me." I reply immediately.

I just can't believe myself. I am using this amazing boy. He is always there for me, but I go behind his back. I hate myself so much.

I burst into an intense sob. "Ethan, I can't do this anymore."

"Hey hey hey! Don't say that! You are so brave! I love you." He kisses the back of my hand softly.

"Smile." He kisses again.

"It will get better." another kiss.

"Be you." and another.

"You're not alone." and one last kiss. Each time he would move my hand only an inch away from his face before speaking, and kissing again.

I can't help it - I crack a smile. But my lips quiver.

I love him too much. I can't believe what I'm doing to him.

"I need to head down to the shop and pick up some things. Are you going to be okay here?" He asks, concerned.

"Yes. I'll be fine."

He kisses my forehead before exiting the room. When I hear the front door shut quietly, I attempt to stand up. I succeed, but the room spins around me.

When I calm down, I make my way into Grayson's room.

"Morning." He smiles at me.

I smile back. He has no idea what happened last night, he's such a heavy sleeper. It's because he stays up most of the night, and when he finally gets to sleep, it's like his body doesn't want him awake until it's fully re-energised.

I decide not to tell him.

When I'm all cuddled up next to him, I'm reminded of last night's events. I have to hold back my tears. This is something only Ethan would understand, because I've told him everything. I manage to hold back all my tears, but I end up drifting off to sleep.

...

"BROOKLYN, ETHAN'S HOME!" I wake up to Grayson's panicky voice. "We both fell asleep!"

I stand up as quickly as possible and peek my head out of the door.

Ethan's placing the items he purchased on the kitchen bench. Phew!

I give Grayson a thumbs up as I sneak out of his room, into the kitchen towards Ethan. Grayson and I always come so close to getting caught. Speaking of getting caught - I better change my lock screen background ...

Ethan's face lights up when he sees me. "Are you okay?"

But I don't respond. I just keep walking until I get to him. I wrap my arms around him, and he does the same to me.

"What's this for?" He asks.

"You are the reason I'm here."

... depressing chapter I know :( but it's a part of the story! next chapter soon!! x