𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐑 ❱ 𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈 𝐎𝐒𝐀𝐌𝐔

four.

the undisclosed plane of dazai's mind is an underworld ocean. it is black under a sunless sky and the fumes rising from the surface were no water vapor but instead, they curl and eddy with a silvery-white luminescence. he preferred his thoughts to be blank than repressing his past self.

the memory of the blurred out man became a part of his imagery. occasionally when he zoned out, flashes of the incognito man appears, but it leaves him wondering to be exact, who?

gunshot wound could be symbolic to oda and the orange hair, most likely is chuuya, but why did they appear? dazai's cluttering intake of such information made him vividly aware of the kind of person he was. he would kill people in the past, those were his acquaintances from the past. although he loves ranting on about his beloved suicide attempt hobby, he killed many other people, yet not himself.

"lives are precious." he recalled you saying to him. it felt vile to have felt comforting in those words when he took away precious lives.

clemency, pity, and self-hatred for himself overwhelmed him. lately it felt like a sin for him to feel happy. after all, the weak fear happiness itself. they can harm themselves on cotton wool. sometimes they are wounded even by happiness.

living itself is a source of sin, which is why dazai's thought process concluded that he must die. such internal memories that people don't want to remember again, stimulates through the human brain, and make it's way to the heart. sometimes memories last for eternity and when it's the one's that is afflicting upon yourself, it questions your reason of existence.

people like you give people like dazai hope. you made him feel human, as if, he never was to begin with. you made him feel conglomeration of emotions he had never felt before, but rather lost. he lost what it feels like to be human.

for dazai, days pass by in a blink of an eye. last year nothing happened, the year before nothing happened, and the year before that nothing happened.

'is this what it's like to be no longer human?' he was a bit put off, aware at the relation of his gift. but that power- can it really be called a gift? gifted people kill the innocent, he would know from experience.

the living factor itself is a questioning topic where there are two sides. one, people view life as a journey until they reach the end of the trail. two, an endless loophole full of hell and existential crisis or, there are those who are stuck in the middle, debating the path they'll take.

there are optimists and pessimists. dazai is a pessimist. perception, perception varies from comprehension to comprehension, whether it's the world's most complex labyrinthine or, a simple glass of water which has not reached its peak yet. either you perceive it as half empty or half full.

a wary tingling feeling of curiosity suddenly hit dazai at the thought of chuuya. it made him curious, no, it bothered him in fact. the moment you entered the top of the building, he became curious of you.

"hey y/n what is chuuya to you?" a random question surprised you for a split second that was said from across the room, specifically dazai's room. but knowing dazai, nothing is normal.

"it's complicated. to keep it simple though, i met him coincidentally." you apathetically stated as you scrolled through something on your phone that distracted you from the man's presence.

a sigh throttled out from dazai as he leaned against the wall. "do you just randomly meet people for a living out of coincidence? i mean that's how you met me after all.." he became quieter as he trailed off, leaving you in confusion.

"i thought it was like fate brought us together, like you were a gift from god, but it was just your luck of meeting strange people through coincidence." even though you weren't looking at him, you could tell he was likely pouting and sulking.

"are you perhaps, jealous?" you said with a smug smirk.

"of course i am! you're my girlfriend remember?" his lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed.

"a-ah right." you became a little flustered after hearing him say that. shyly smiling at his childish antics, you decided to spill the beans, but not literally of course.

"honestly it was a peaceful day when i met him. i decided to go shopping, but i'm always broke so more like window shopping. ah, there were so many cool merchandise that cost trillions of dollars but that's not the point. i was walking home and on my way there, i ran into chuuya. at that time, he didn't have a hat which is hard to believe now. he asked me where he could buy hats and decided to walk him there since i had nothing other to do. i waited for about 2 hours for him to pick out one hat so i did it for him, hence the hat he wears all the time. from then on, i guess we became friends." you smiled fondly at the memory.

a spur of laughter rumbled in the room as dazai began to stare in disbelief. "you gave him that hat-" he was cut off as a wheezing laugh guttered from his throat.

"you should laugh more." you stared in awe, causing dazai's laughter to end on a short notice.

"ah no! it's just that you seemed happy and you should stay that way." you sputtered out in embarrassment at the absent laughter.

"happy? did i look happy?" wind lifted dazai's hair softly, brushing slightly against his cheek, cooling him down. he stared at the window blankly. "happy huh..." his expression became cold as if that sudden burst of laughter was nonexistent.

"ye-yes." you stuttered out anxiously as the mood fell in depths of a mixture of sadness and awkwardness, which did not mix together well.

"why would you say that?" he abruptly turned to face you, eyes darkening intimidatingly.

"you were laughing so i thought you were happy." a sad smile overlaid the current expression you held.

silence, absolute silence. the atmosphere itself was pressuring and the silence just added stress on top.

"other than smiles, laughters can be fake as well." he broke the silence which troubled you.

"why?" you bawled your fists, enraged at the matter.

"faking happiness just for you babe." he replied to you, not caring at the tense situation.

"i said why." you spat out in a statement rather than a question.

"what's the point of being happy?" he mumbled.

"because it's an enjoyable feeling." agitated, that's all you could feel.

"is that why we humans live? to feel happy? is it to have a happy ending? there's no such thing. don't delude yourself, possibly thinking something so idiotic." he snorted as you stared at him helplessly.

"why live when we're going to die anyways?" dazai scoffed out.

having enough of his words, you harshly gripped the hem of his shirt, cutting his words short, shocking him. "enough." you seeped out through your gritted teeth, almost as if those words had venom to it. you then let go of him and dully looked at him.

"if that's the case, then why live in the past when you can live in the future?"