Mikey's Depression

Failure

After I rewrapped my wrists, I heard my bros calling for me. I sigh and I take a deep breath trying to get myself emotionally ready. 'Here comes the fake smiles.' I think glumly. Here comes their judgement, Here comes the name calling. Here comes my downfall.

I walk out of my room and exhale slowly, looking down. I look up and smile, my regular goofy (Not at all true) smile. I have been doing this for so long, I don't even know what a real smile feels like. I walk to the living room and see the others on the couch and I say in my cheery voice, "What's up bros?" They all turn to me and Leo says, "Hey Mikey. We were heading out for an early patrol, wanna come?" He smiles at me.  'He only wants you to come to lecture you' 'They don't want you there' 'They are just trying to be nice' 'They hate you!' 'Who wants a screw up?' My thoughts scream at me, "Sure! Why not?" I say with a smile. 'Why would you say yes? You idiot!'   

My thoughts, they won't stop screaming! Why won't leave me alone? Why do they haunt me? Why do I always have to cry? Why do I have to fake my happiness? Why do I want to die?

"Awww, is Mikey thinking for once?" I hear Raph sneer at me. I look up and realize all of my brothers are looking at me, waiting for me so they can leave for patrol. I smile, for what feels like the hundredth time today, I roll my eyes, acting as if the comment didn't hurt, and follow them out the door. He doesn't realize how much I think, and how much I want it to stop.

Patrol was a disaster. everything went wrong. My brothers ended up yelling at me again. Everything was my fault, just like always. I honestly didn't mean to let the foot ninja go. He broke my kusarigama chain and ran free. I tried to go after him, I really did, but I tripped (Pathetic, right?) on a weapon that one of the foot soldiers dropped.

We needed the foot soldier to tell us what Shredder is planning, since we haven't heard from the Foot Clan in a while. When I tripped I cut my hand open, and the cut was so deep I could see the bone. I clutched my wrist, to stop the blood flow or thinking it would stop the blood flow and to ease the pain or something on those lines. Then my brothers ran up to me, ignoring my cut open hand that was dripping blood on the cement, and started screaming at me. "You are such an idiot! Useless!" Raph screamed and threw his hands in the air. "I am disappointed in you, Michelangelo." Leo said. And Donnie called me a clumsy fool. 

Let me just say when we got back to the lair, I got a long lecture from Leo, and had to take care of my hand by myself. I "Stitched" it in the bathroom, after the lecture, then I put some Anti-septic on it. I wrapped it up, and I headed to my room.

I am always messing up. My thoughts are on hyper drive now. they're like a freight train as they hit me full force.

I am currently in my room. I am blasting music in my ears, as I try to blast out my thoughts, I am trying to ignore them, but they are winning.  I continue listening to the song and then a certain lyric screams at me, "If I had common sense I'd cut myself or curl up and die!"  

I bring my knees up to my plastron and rest my chin on my knees. Only if I had the courage to end my pathetic life. I start sobbing quietly, as if I was hiding my feelings from the world. As if my demons couldn't already hear how much of a cry baby I am.

I really am a Failure