My Journey

Chapter 11 - Feelings.

*Note* This chapter is going to be about a serious topic I think I should really discuss about and it might offend or make other people feel uncomfortable and that is okay. If you feel uncomfortable or offended by anything I say, please just skip this chapter and move along to Chapter 13. This is just my opinion so if you disagree on what I say, that is okay. Thank you for reading my journey though, it means a lot <3

Another warning - this chapter is also kind of confusing so sorry

1/30/17

Feelings. What are they? You see, there are many different types of feelings so it will be impossible to discuss about all of them, so I only want to talk about the ones that I think are big.

Happiness
Sadness
Fear
Love/Like
Hate/Dislike
Disgusted
Scared
Anger
Horny
Suicidal

Before I start, you might be questioning on what is going on, or why is there a warning for this chapter. To answer your question, nothing happened, well nothing new. You see, at times (usually at night to be honest) I would have really bad thoughts in my head, and my thoughts are all of those feelings blended together. And it drives me crazy. I don't want you guys to know what these feelings do for us... in my opinion.

Ok I know I sound really confusing but maybe if I start describing these feelings, you would understand what I am trying to say.

Happiness

Happiness, the best feeling in the world. The feeling that can't make you stop smiling, the feeling where everything goes right. The feeling where everything around is looks positive and you are just having a good time. Happiness comes naturally, you cannot force happiness even how bad you want it,it will just come to you eventually.

Happiness makes you cherish everything. Happiness makes you feeling the best person in the whole world. Happiness is the best memories you will ever have. Happiness is just... amazing.

But once it is over,you will start craving it again. You will fake smile, to act like your happy and to act like it's okay. That is not okay.

I have been doing that since fourth grade and I am telling you, faking a smile does nothing good. It actually makes it worse. If you are always happy , or it you are trying to, how will be experience the other feelings? You need other feelings

For example, I was used for sexual reasons, I was a sex toy to a guy I was crazy in love with and I never actually let out my true feelings towards it. I acted happy, like I was okay and I wasn't hurt about the situation. In reality, I was so pissed and devastated. I
hate for what he has done and instead of showing my true emotions, I acted happy.

I wasn't happy but I wanted to feel happy so bad that I tricked myself making it seem like, if I pretend to be happy, I would be happy.

It doesn't work that way . Happiness comes naturally. Do not force it.

Sadness

What I hate the most is that we cannot act sad without getting called "attention seeking" or "drama queens". Do you think people want to cry because it's fun?

Actually no some people enjoy being sad. Some people actually brags about it, saying I have depression, it sucks, but in reality they don't, they just want to seem cool. How does acting depressed make you cool? It's so shallow. I see people online posting fake picture of undercutting,how sad they are,to get attention. Why do people do that? Please tell me.

It offends me so much though. When I cut it's not like I am at school telling people "Hey look at my arms" and so them how depressing my life is.

Speaking about that, what's gets me more pissed is that people say they are sad because of the stupidest reasons . No not those reasons like "my goldfish died" or "my boyfriend left me" because I understand that but I mean "my mom took away my Xbox" and then the kid gets so sad and starts talking about how they hate their mom and their life. I mean I really don't want to be judgmental or anything but c'mon it's a fucking Xbox. Love your family, Xbox could be replaceable but family can't.

Anyways back to the topic, it is okay to be sad though, it perfectly fine and if someone judges you so what. When I cry in public, I don't care, if you need to let it out, let it out . Sadness is one of the most important feelings ever because it helps you learn what to do and what not to do. It's okay to be sad. Just let it out.

Okay I am so tired and depressed right now that I cannot continue to write. I will make chapter 12- feelings part 2 just for you guys, okay? I love you guys. Thank you for reading. I am so sorry that I cannot continue though. I feel so guilty.

You guys are the best to be honest.