Times Cruel Love

01 His first words

After a problem would begin or end, his first words to himself were '' i hate love ''. Yea most of you might be saying ' its just a one time thing get over it' type of phrase but to me everyone has a different story to tell. There are many times things in a relationship can go bad or good. Some heart breaking then others and that's understandable. Though some of us tend to quit or wait till our heart can show passions again, i tend to get back at it right away. I have something that not a lot of people have and that's falling to fast and hurting way hard. To clarify its something that can't be easily dealt with. Having this and loads of other things like one of the worst sets of depression and a bad case of anxiety and maybe some form of insanity but who doesn't now a days. Most of the time its unbearable to get over what has happened to me and it can stick to me for months and even years. Not a lot of girls feel love now, its either money or social status and being a guy who wants to give love and get love that doesn't get far. So when i find a certain girl who with a heart craving love i tend to rush everything i have.. left that is. For myself a girls eyes are a gateway to her heart and the way she can view life. So when i stare into her eyes i find my self lost in a world of yearning love and deep emotions. I quickly hold onto all those things and sometimes they tend to let go and i fall hard. At the end of it all you can find me with a great smile and happy eyes but once i'm alone the only thing on my mindset is '' i hate love ''. There has even been times where i get so down on my self that i begin to say i hate humanity and hate being human. For those reasons my past hasn't been a nice or easy place. At first all this comes with self-awareness. Having that at a young age isn't the best like most say. So of course when i tell you i had already planned a future for myself it was till the age of 25. One of those easy life's where i have a great family like a great childhood best friend, a wife, two kids, and a nice animal but not all of those plans went right. I still made my self a great childhood best friend who was always there for me even at times when i didn't want someone with a brain near me. But being him, he always found a way to get me back on my feet more or less. Now i'm at the age of 17 and most of my life has been a living hell. So with the love issues and other things it just gets harder for me.You really can't walk out of you house and not see a couple enjoying life. Sometimes that makes me sick to the point of not eating for days and other times it kinda gives me hope still knowing whats at the end of that small hope. We are all imperfect is all i can think in those moment and believe me i try to stay positive but having that undying self-awareness doesn't make anything easy. So the only words i can mostly think about are ''I hate love''.